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I was abused when I was 12 by my own very close family member.

I had gone to my Bua’s (paternal aunt) place on vacation. It was a lovely holiday until the night when electricity went off. It was a dark night. I was sleeping in a room with no one around. Suddenly I felt someone along on my bed. He was no one but my fufaji. (Aunt’s husband) He started touching me and his hand moved around my waist..I did not like it at all.

I asked him what he was doing there, to which he said nothing.

I questioned his existence around. He blamed the gone electricity. I kept quiet. Such incidents started happening on regular basis. He always asked me to be quiet. I always was. One day he took me to Delhi with the permission of my parents and all I wanted was NOT to go alone with him. We halted in a hotel. He started touching all over. He said, “I really like you and don’t tell this to anyone.” I could not do anything. I could not run, I could not complaint, I could scream but no one to hear. I had no idea of what to do…

I could never speak about it to my parents thinking of my aunt’s marriage and always have been haunted whenever I think of those times. It was not a good feeling at all. I feel sad and I wish I could undo what happened. But now I feel empowered and strong. I was not wrong at all and it was not my mistake.

I urge you all to not be silent about such things. Sometimes sharing is all what you need.

 

*Name has been changed on request.

No Comments

TearsGender woman

Was: a victim
City: home
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged Less than 20

Experience:
Hi all,after seeing all these blogs, I felt i’m not alone.
I have my own experience, actually lots of experiences.

I have two cousins.
Whenever I go to my uncle’s place, the elder one, who was studying in a hostel, will definitely visit as if he has so much of love and affection to me. He doesnt even understand the relation between us, sister and brother.I was sleeping between my cousin and my aunt. I always have a sound sleep. For a while I didnt notice what was happening. but suddenly I came into my senses and noticed that he was rubbing my private parts and was pleasuring himself. I was just 9 yrs old and could not understand whats happening, but definitely know that it was wrong. I got up and went into the rest room to avoid him. But this didn’t stop every time I visited their home.I was so scared to open up about this to my parents. To my bad luck he shifted to our home for his higher studies. And the torture had no limits.He used to peep into the bathrooms when I was bathing. I used to hide.Once I slapped him hard when he was trying to touch my chest and other private parts. But he was least bothered. He just begged me not to tell this to anyone.This harressment continued till i was 20.

This is about the younger one. During my college days I used to get some mails from some unknown guy blackmailing me. I was so much afraid and used to talk to my younger cousin who is so close to me. He said it might be my college guys and suggested me to be friendly with every one so that you will not get into this situation.He acted to be very close to me and used to kiss me acting so affectionately. But I could only understand his intension after a while. Once we all visited tirumala, where I observed someone was peeping into the bathroom from back side and I shouted in fear. My parents asked what happened but I just said some silly answer. After We came back I got a mail blackmailing me saying that he has my nude pics. He actually clicked my pics. By then my marriage was fixed. I said this to my cousin and to my husband.My hubby is such a nice guy. He replied to that email threatening him that its not difficult to catch him. He said he is gonna complain to the police under cyber act case and he can be easily traced.But my cousin was suggesting my husband not to go for a police case and lets wait for the reply and he said he is confident that we will get a reply apolgizing for his acts. we got a reply saying sorry. So I strongly feel that it was my cousin who did all this drama. But I could not say this to anyone.

Now just imagine what I went through in my life. I was living with fear all through life till I got married. I was scared to go to my own bathroom. I always check around even today. I wasnt feeling secure in my own home. But I will never blame my parents. Now our family wont speak to them coz of some issue and i’m the happiest soul on the earth. Now I have a daughter who is just 9 months old and I always tell her “I’ll not let this happen to you”.
Tears are rolling down when i’m composing this.

 

*Name changed on request

2 Comments

IMG_0810Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: house-Chennai
Was wearing Short skirt and top
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : One time

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged 40-50

Experience:

I was 12 or 13, I use to visit my uncle’s place very often as a kid. I really enjoyed the company of my cousins, we spent a lot of time together as kids. So, one night as usual my uncle was drunk and he was tell us a story, me and my girl cousin. I thought he was trying to put us to sleep. We lied down in a row, my uncle was facing my back. He had his drunk face over my face. as he was narrating something, I felt some thing slimy in my back. I didn’t know what it was, all I knew is that it didn’t feel good. I was feeling really uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. He kept push in that slimy thing of his into my butt. After what seemed like half an hour or so, I finally got up, saying I wanna go to the restroom and went and slept in my aunt’s room.
I am 18 now. it was very recent that I realized that i was a victim of child sexual abuse. the memory is still fresh in my mind. I don’t know how to over come it, or get rid of that memory.

1 Comment

black-mail-icon-256-x-256Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: Perpetual Abuse which happened at Coimbatore
Was wearing Jeans and Shirt
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged around 20

Incident was : Recurring

Experience:
I so empathize with the other women who have shared their miseries out here! That’s because I have been through all that they have been through- the regular gropings, brushings and verbal assaults directed at my physical body!!! I have had my fair share of physical and mental torments but I am not going to elaborate on that; I am going to share with you an incident of my life which completely changed me for good.

When I was in college, I had a boy friend, a very charming one that too, or thats what I thought until I got to know him completely! He was what every girl would dream of her husband to be like! Sweet, Funny, Brainy, Having lots of friends, good at creativity etc. But then, little did I know that he would be good at verbal abuses and all the more good at manipulative stuff too!

Why did he abuse me verbally? Because to him I was always wrong! The way I dressed, the way I looked, the way I led my life, my dreams, my aspirations, my friends were all wrong! And if his friends think I was wrong because of something then again I am wrong because they thought so! And hence “I deserved to be taught a lesson”! And the lesson came in form of multitudes of verbal abuses! The words that were used would be something beyond your wildest imagination!

And why did I put up with all the shit you can ask! I bore it all because I fell for all his manipulative acts! I believed him when he said I was wrong/ I was terrible/ I act like a b**** and also believed him when he said I made him act the way he did!
One important question to ask now! What did he use for manipulation?
Suicide Threats!
I was gullible enough to believe that he loved me and that it was the magnitude of that love that made him not want to live without me and hence the suicide threats naturally followed! And he was the cynosure of all eyes and so I trusted that there was something wrong with me for making him mad!

You might ask did you not realize the emptiness in his threats after a point in time? Well Folks, just when I was about to, he went beyond just threatening! Popping some strange pill or the other, taking in some quantities of pest repellant-quantities not enough to kill him but more than enough to terrorize me- ensured that he exercised a strong control over me and my actions. Guess he was happy about that. But let me tell you friends those 9 months were the worst months of my life! Every night whenever we used to have an argument-over things which were of highly inconsequential and insignificant in nature; something like me wanting to dress up for the next day’s function in the college and he not wanting me to do so-which would result in him hanging up rudely, I used to stay awake wondering if he would be alive the next day or would he have done something that would make me regret for my lifetime. I would even go to the extent of wondering how much of shame I would be causing to my parents because of all the police intervention that would naturally follow a suicide. The torment I endured until the next day when I receive a message or call from him is inexplicable and its something that I wouldn’t want to endure again in my life.

Slowly his suicidal threats became more and more unpredictable and were starting to seem desperate with him wanting to commit suicide for every dime and reason, and his verbal abuses were also becoming more and more intolerable! That’s when I decided to throw caution to the winds and decided to break off from that relationship which by then had completely drained me off my energy!

But he had stood true to his words and killed himself but not without garnering enough attention! The days before his death he made himself look very sad with unshaven beard and tonsured head so that the world would believe his pathetic stories after he died. He sent e mails and letters to my family, his friends and my friends(Practically to everyone I ever knew!!!)the day before he actually died. His death added credibility to the lies in this letters. He made it look like I tortured him! He made people believe that I was responsible for everything. And naturally people believed him! I was made to assume the stature of outcast overnight!
It was then I realized that the world would rather believe the lies of the dead than the loud cries of the alive! How long would it have taken for me to end my life with another similar letter expressing the tortures I had to endure because of him both before and after his death? But trust me, I never wanted to! Because I knew that I would get nothing by proving anyone wrong! And even if had managed to prove them wrong, I knew my life is worth more than just that!
What did he achieve with the attention that he garnered after his death? Yes he did turn the world against me but then that was just temporary! The world did get tired of recounting his story over and over again and it did start to take notice of my achievements soon after and people did come lining up to me to get help as and when required. The world did look up to me when I made it to the IIM and the world respects me now for who I am, for the position I hold in the society!
Yes soon after his death I did get the feeling that life was unfair to me; I was made to suffer endlessly for no fault of mine; I

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was made an outcast for no reason! But then I soon realized there was no point wallowing in self pity. Trust me friends wallowing in self pity is like getting addicted to alcohol, only that its worse! I had a tough time getting out of that state. But I did! I looked around and realized that I have been gifted with much more blessings than many others and instead of looking at what I did not have, I started looking at what I have.

This self awareness helped me lead a better life and it had helped me mature to levels unimaginable! And now looking back I am glad that I was made to endure all the suffering because that had made me a strong person I am now! And I love myself all the more for being strong and yeah for being smart:-)!
And yeah none of this would have been possible without the help of my ever loving family and close friends! I understood what it means to be loved unconditionally and I am more than glad that I got to know something that is generally taken for granted!

 

*Name changed on request

5 Comments

Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: House/Chennai
Was wearing salwar kameez chudithar without dupatta
Reaction: Moved away silently

Incident was : One time

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged Less than 20

Experience:
I have been staring at this screen for 10 minutes now a liitle choked up. Just thinking about this incident brings back the memory I would like to erase but it feels as though it happened just yesterday. The worst part- a very close relative did this to me and I can’t cut that person out of my life even if I tried.

I was a very happy 12 yr old since my older male cousins were in town. This meant me and my brother had a valid excuse to bunk school for a day or two, play computer games/cricket and sleep late. I dint think my cousins were any different from my own brother. We would all sleep in the same room whenever they visited. That fateful night I was in the middle of the bed, with my cousins on either side of me. My back faced the eldest cousin since I sleep on my sides, my eyes were shut and I was about to fall asleep when I felt a hand get into the back of my nighti(night dress) and slide all the way to my butt. I felt so scared and quickly moved in the dark. Cousin got up and went into the bathroom and wasnt out for a long time. I got out of the room and slept with my parents that night.

All I could think of was what happened that night but I dint dare open up to anybody. My cousin behaved as though everything was fine the rest of his vacation and left. His dad apologised on his behalf 4 years later and told me that he had confessed to him immediately after the incident. An adult’s open and honest communication about the incident somehow erased all the guilt and gave me the courage to confront him. Once I spoke to him and he told me how sorry he was, I could bring myself to talk about it.

The whole incident is still very traumatising to me and it completely changed the equation I shared with my cousin. Also coming from a very sexually repressed society nobody teaches you how to handle your sexual energy (my cousin) and also how to react/respond in the event of an abuse. My parents are the best in the world according to me, still I couldnt talk to them about it – 1. I was ashamed of myself 2. I somehow thought my parents would blame/hate me for it or wouldnt take me seriously 3. I dint want my family to fight with each other 4. I dint want my cousins to hate me and stop visiting.

I have forgiven him for what he did but it can never be forgotten and will remain a painful yet a very distinct memory from my childhood.

DSCF4252

2 Comments

Gender Female

Was a : victim

City : Chennai/House

Was wearing school uniform

Reaction : Passively endured

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Relative and aged more than 50

Experience :

I was in class 4, I used to often stay at my aunt’s place (My father’s sister) as my parents were working. My aunt was a lovely lady, very loving, like a mother. She had no idea. My uncle used to play cartoons on the tv, make me lie down with him, put a blanket over us, and he would then put his hands inside my dress and finger me. I was very uncomfortable, I knew something was miserably wrong, but I had no idea what to do. It was deeply shameful, and as a child I was just confused. This happened probably 2-3 times. My aunt would come around asking if we need anything to eat etc, and he would kind of hurriedly shoo her away saying we’re fine, and that he is telling me a bedtime story or something like that. After that we moved our house so I was spared the ordeal of staying with them. When this happened, my aunt and uncle already had grandchildren, my uncle must have been 50-55 atleast..

I slowly shared it with my cousin a year later, and she said she underwent the same with him. We both were 10 years old then, we then created a diary, where we would draw pictures of him and then stab him with a knife, scribble ‘bad words’ over him or something like that or something to that effect.. I don’t remember clearly..

Several years later, my aunt passed away. I was in college then, my uncle’s drinking habits worsened, and I found him lying on the street one day,I had half a mind to leave him there , but then somehow, I quickly hailed an auto and dropped him back home. That day I came home and told my mother what had happened several years earlier, she was shocked and speechless. My little brother who overheard us talking, then walked into the room and confided in her too, that when he was 6 years old, that uncle had stripped in front of my brother and tried to force my brother to touch and feel him. My brother did it once or twice, was repulsed and ran out of the room, but had never mentioned it to anyone till date…

So that is 3 of us, as far as I know, who were abused by the uncle, if only I had spoken up, maybe I could have spared the other two from this ordeal? Or maybe I could have ruined my aunt’s life? I’m not sure.. He was the only breadwinner, and my aunt wasn’t working..Very recently I told his daughter-in- law about this, she wasn’t shocked at all, and she said she caught him trying to peek

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into their bedroom after their marriage. She said she knew her father-in-law was a pervert, but she has no other choice other than to support him in his old age.

BeFunky_OldPhoto_5

2 Comments

Gender woman
broken-glasses1
Was: a victim
City: Delhi
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : One time

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged 30-40

Experience:
It was a very horrifying experience. i don’t remember much of it because the incident was followed a mental break-down.
I was 19 years old and was staying with my cousin sister in Delhi for a summer training during my BTech.
My sister had gone for a wedding in the family with her two sons. I was left alone with a cousin brother and brother-in-law.  there was no other help in the house so I remember cooking for them every morning and evening, packing lunch boxes for myself and them, cleaning up the house and doing other household chores.
One night, my brother did not return home as he had some work in office. I remember sleeping with my glasses on the side of the pillow. I had poor vision and could not see much without my glasses. I remember that in the night someone pressed my mouth, opened my salwar and did something which made me faint. i have absolutely no memories left of that night. In the morning when i got up, i found myself alone, my glasses were broken, i was covered with a bedsheet but i wasn’t wearing my salwar. i was very terrified but somehow had the energy to gather myself, called my brother that i am leaving for bareilly to my parents. i reached the railway station somehow and waited for the next train. i got a train at 6 PM. i reached home late night. I didn’t had the mind to tell anything to my parents. I had a severe mental breakdown and my right side was paralysed. It took me around 6 months to recover. But the wounds the incident on my soul are irrepairable. Its only now that i spoke about it with my Aunty( dad’s sister)and my mother.
I am now 42 years old fairly strong and successful. i am separated from my husband and was in a relationship for almost 6 years. I have deep mistrust in men and find it difficult to trust their intentions.

*-Name changed on request

5 Comments

Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: House/Bangalore
Perpetrator was a relative and aged 20-30

Incident was : Recurring

Victim Moved away silently

Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta

Experience:
It was an exciting day for me. I was on top of the world. After all, I was marrying the man of my dreams. My parents and his parents had agreed. Our love was successful. What more did I want?!! But there was just this one incident bothering my mind. How could he have twisted my arm and hurt me? For talking on the phone with one of my male friends. That was the first scary picture of Praveen I had seen. I can still remember very vividly. Oh well, being the happy-go-lucky, I believed my optimism when it said that there was no problem really. Praveen did NOT want me to talk to any of my male friends.

WHHAAAAACKKKK! WHHAAAAACKKKK! WHHAAAAACKKKK! Oh wait, what was that?!! It was Praveen hitting me hard for something. I was so blind with pain and sorrow that I couldn’t even remember the reason. It did not matter to me that he broke my finger while beating me up. Or that afterwards my face got so swollen and scarred that people at work next day worried about my well-being. I was working with a big technology corporation at the time and couldn’t afford to take off. I was simply in a state of shock.

Ya, the reason for Praveen’s frustration was that I had not obeyed his orders properly by getting the stove cleaned by the maid. According to my version, I had told the maid to clean the stove. Unfortunately, he found that the stove was not as clean as he had expected. So, it was all my fault! My mistake! I should have checked that the maid cleaned it thoroughly. For my slip, I had to be punished and this was his way of doing it.

I guess the timing was wrong since we were ‘happily married’ one week back. I didn’t know what that meant anymore. Life had turned dreary revealing Praveen’s atrocious behavior day after day. He did many things to offend me, other than his usual bouts of violence. I was staunchly determined to not break it off and to work towards improving the situation. That was mainly because I was in denial that I may have married the wrong person. Hence, not only was I an obedient and good wife, catering to my husband’s wants and whims, but was also facing the world with a brave front when I went to work each day since we sure needed the money. I had the more successful job than him.

Unknowingly, to myself, my inner faith was crumbling. I could take it no more. I was a battered victim of domestic violence. A concept I was completely foreign to, as I hadn’t seen or heard anything like this! Much less expected it to happen to me! An educated and economically empowered woman of today’s world! It was the difficulty in accepting this painful reality that took me so long to get away from my abuser. One thing that I can assure myself is that I have worked hard and good on making my marriage a success. I will never blame myself for things not working out. Especially considering the loss I have suffered in the process.

Now, I am far away from that awful experience and have moved on. Years have passed by. I am in a good place and feel great about my life. Looking back, I am so thankful that I made the right decision of stepping out of that dreadful situation no matter what. I know now that you can only mend certain things not everything!

HF_Story

9 Comments