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Blog Archives

Gender – Female

Was a victim.

Was wearing jeans and shirt. The incident was recurring.

Reaction was helpless and passively endured.

Experience :

Perhaps memories fade with time, but the emotions we go through don’t. They leave an impression on our minds, vague for some, but there. Perhaps ignorance is bliss. Then again perhaps not. Ignorance or denial for the matter is not a magic wand. For a long time I chose to hide away behind them and this I say with absolute certainty, it doesn’t help. I am a victim of sexual abuse, one among the many out there. It started at an age where I didn’t even know what it was. A man, old enough to be my father, touched me in the guise of helping me dress up for a function. I felt odd and to a large extent disgusted. What should I do when he touches me, it doesn’t feel right? What should I do when he tells me not to talk about it with anyone? Should I go to my parents, siblings, friends? I was too young to know the answers.

I did what a scared, confused child would do when confronted with a fear . . . I ran away. And I thought i was safe. But I wasn’t. And the worse part? This time I was unsafe at home, among my family. A man I should have been able to bank on—a family member, betrayed my trust by violating my personal space. I resented him. I was horrified, alone, frightened, revolted . . . perhaps just slightly in shock. Why wouldn’t I be? If family isn’t my safe space, whom do I fall back upon? What is my safety net? This tie I knew it was wrong. I understood the why but not the questions which haunted me years ago, came back to haunt me. Again, I had no answer.

I never spoke about it. And perhaps it did not hold me back in life, perhaps it did not stop me from living the way I liked, but it was always there . . . like a skeleton in the closet I refused to acknowledge.

Message :

Time and time again, I’ve gone through violations. Violations of my space, my body and my mind. When I finally found the courage to talk about it and break my long kept silence, I felt light. Like a burden had lifted off my shoulders. Like the world knew and there was nothing to hide. I realised the power of speaking up when we are violated and the strength and confidence it gave me to never let that happen to me again. Thanks to I Break My Silence for giving me a platform to vent, to simply speak up and come to terms with it….To make sure that the other thousands of Vijayas who are keeping silent are given the courage to live free, I say let’s come together and break our silence.

 

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Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: home/delhi
Was wearing jeans and shirt
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)
Incident was: Recurring

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged multiple ages, more than one incident

Experience:
i was in 11th class and my exams were approaching so my parents use to

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leave the house so that i can study calmly. they had gone to my massi house ,as i was alone my relative who was old enuf came in and as i respected him hugged him. he kissed me on my lips, i felt bad and disgusted. i got in my room and started studying. the man came in and started touching my upper part slowly . i reacted and got up from there and called my friend ,he came up and said im here to study with her. till date i hate that guy whenever he comes up and thankful to my friend. the other time my tenant ejaculated himself in me. this is bad really bad that guys take us for granted and just for there sheer satisfaction the do this im 20 now but these things still haunt me up so much that i get dreams about this and im afraid that someday my father would do the same to me though he is the one person whom i trust blindly but the trauma has made me like this . i cry myself in sleep sometimes and it feels so bd to think that you were being molested and you’r soul was broken in pieces. its so better to stay alone.

No Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: Delhi
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)
Incident was: Recurring

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged Less than 20

Experience:
I have always been told that school and college are places where you are secure around teachers and friends. I have also read and understood that love is something which must not be forced upon or tortured to pursue and is a natural feeling between hearts which bloom from the wonderful feeling of friendship. I have various incidents in my life which made me an introvert inside and a tough and rude person on the outside and I will write about them in several posts following the current post.
In this post, I describe the first incident in my life which had made me lose trust on any person I meet and which makes me take a lot of time to make new friends even now.
When my sister was in her early teens and I was around 7-8 years old, we were studying in one of the prestigious schools in Delhi. Every evening, we used to walk around 4 streets from the school to our house. My sister and I were being followed by a tall dark man with a helmet on a motor bike almost every day. Initially for a few days, we didn’t react as if we noticed his act, but it became evident, when he loudly called out my sister’s name (more than once) in public and we had to turn. We were taught by our elders that we must not talk or react to any strangers and we just rushed home quickly from that spot. I wanted to tell thishadow mans to my mother, but my sister who was very scared about this issue asked me not to tell her as she didn’t want to make it a big issue at home. We had to find different ways and shortcuts to get back home and took different routes (just to cross 4 streets). Still he somehow used to find out where we were and used to follow us and pass irritating comments or sing some song with my sister’s name in it. In short, he was flirting.
One fine day, I came to know that, he was actually the cousin of one of my classmate who was also my bench mate in class. I found this guy talking to her (my bench mate) during one of our break sessions and I asked her who he was and how he knew where we lived. She told me that, he was her cousin studying in some XYZ college and he had asked her about my sister and I, where we lived etc., and she had innocently told him. I scolded her on the spot and asked her to tell him to mind his business and not disturb my sister. I had no other option but to tell my mother about it on the same day after school. My mother started accompanying us from the next day.
I started feeling really scared starting from that day when I came to know that he was my friend’s cousin. Hence, I decided that, for the welfare of myself and my sister (whom I am/was super protective about) and for the sake of my parents, who would be shattered if they hear any non-sense news about my sister or me, I must not reveal any personal details (even the place I come from/my phone number) to any friend of mine, unless I come to know that will not be of any problem to me!! Sounds bad. I know. Even if I had to give, it became a habit to warn them not to reveal my details to anyone else. I might have sounded like a paranoid to most of my friends, but I felt that, they won’t understand this pressure till they experienced similar issues.

No Comments

Gender Male

Was: a victim
City: Chennai
Was wearing I don’t remember
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: Recurring

Perpetrator was a Neighbour and aged Less than 20

Experience:
Today, I’m a changemaker and try to bring about a positive change in the lives of children and young adults through education but I wasn’t always like this.
I was a below average student (medical reasons) and was always told how good people around are in their academic pursuits.
I was about 12 years old when I started facing sexual harassment at the hands of my neighbour who was in his late teens. He was supposed to be like a brother helping me with my academic shortcomings but in the absence of my anybody at our homes he would make be perform oral favours to him that I

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would not well comprehend in the initial days but soon I could sense it was not something that was meant to be. His next advancement was towards my sister who was about 3 years younger to me which I realised could be bad and started spending more time with this man so that his advances towards my sister could be checked. It worked but at the cost of severe mental trauma to me which has not allowed me to engage in any form of sexual encouters even after 18 years. He had to relocate to a different town for his post graduation and the abuse stopped in about a year but I cant imagine what could have happened to me if this man had continued living in my neighbourhood as a extended member of my family.
I put through this inspite of knowing that my parents are brave to confront anything head on if it affects us (I & my sister) as I was not sure how to communicate this awkward situation to my angle gaurdians who could not see through the evil thoughts and actions of their otherwise pious neighbour.child-abuse-1
This is not an isolated incident and over the years I’ve come across many such

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people living in our society who do this to kids irrespective of the gender. Had it not been for the moral education of my parents I would have turned to be one of those culprits myself!!! My study of psychology helps me understand the rationale that suppressed

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emotions become part of your character, especially if it is not addressed in a timely manner.

Unlike the US or many other countries we do not have a knowledge base of how to handle these issues. What HumanFirst should work towards is building a knowledgebase of possible problems and how to tackle them physically, emotionally and legally.

 

* Name changed on request

1 Comment

TearsGender woman

Was: a victim
City: home
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged Less than 20

Experience:
Hi all,after seeing all these blogs, I felt i’m not alone.
I have my own experience, actually lots of experiences.

I have two cousins.
Whenever I go to my uncle’s place, the elder one, who was studying in a hostel, will definitely visit as if he has so much of love and affection to me. He doesnt even understand the relation between us, sister and brother.I was sleeping between my cousin and my aunt. I always have a sound sleep. For a while I didnt notice what was happening. but suddenly I came into my senses and noticed that he was rubbing my private parts and was pleasuring himself. I was just 9 yrs old and could not understand whats happening, but definitely know that it was wrong. I got up and went into the rest room to avoid him. But this didn’t stop every time I visited their home.I was so scared to open up about this to my parents. To my bad luck he shifted to our home for his higher studies. And the torture had no limits.He used to peep into the bathrooms when I was bathing. I used to hide.Once I slapped him hard when he was trying to touch my chest and other private parts. But he was least bothered. He just begged me not to tell this to anyone.This harressment continued till i was 20.

This is about the younger one. During my college days I used to get some mails from some unknown guy blackmailing me. I was so much afraid and used to talk to my younger cousin who is so close to me. He said it might be my college guys and suggested me to be friendly with every one so that you will not get into this situation.He acted to be very close to me and used to kiss me acting so affectionately. But I could only understand his intension after a while. Once we all visited tirumala, where I observed someone was peeping into the bathroom from back side and I shouted in fear. My parents asked what happened but I just said some silly answer. After We came back I got a mail blackmailing me saying that he has my nude pics. He actually clicked my pics. By then my marriage was fixed. I said this to my cousin and to my husband.My hubby is such a nice guy. He replied to that email threatening him that its not difficult to catch him. He said he is gonna complain to the police under cyber act case and he can be easily traced.But my cousin was suggesting my husband not to go for a police case and lets wait for the reply and he said he is confident that we will get a reply apolgizing for his acts. we got a reply saying sorry. So I strongly feel that it was my cousin who did all this drama. But I could not say this to anyone.

Now just imagine what I went through in my life. I was living with fear all through life till I got married. I was scared to go to my own bathroom. I always check around even today. I wasnt feeling secure in my own home. But I will never blame my parents. Now our family wont speak to them coz of some issue and i’m the happiest soul on the earth. Now I have a daughter who is just 9 months old and I always tell her “I’ll not let this happen to you”.
Tears are rolling down when i’m composing this.

 

*Name changed on request

2 Comments

black-mail-icon-256-x-256Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: Perpetual Abuse which happened at Coimbatore
Was wearing Jeans and Shirt
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged around 20

Incident was : Recurring

Experience:
I so empathize with the other women who have shared their miseries out here! That’s because I have been through all that they have been through- the regular gropings, brushings and verbal assaults directed at my physical body!!! I have had my fair share of physical and mental torments but I am not going to elaborate on that; I am going to share with you an incident of my life which completely changed me for good.

When I was in college, I had a boy friend, a very charming one that too, or thats what I thought until I got to know him completely! He was what every girl would dream of her husband to be like! Sweet, Funny, Brainy, Having lots of friends, good at creativity etc. But then, little did I know that he would be good at verbal abuses and all the more good at manipulative stuff too!

Why did he abuse me verbally? Because to him I was always wrong! The way I dressed, the way I looked, the way I led my life, my dreams, my aspirations, my friends were all wrong! And if his friends think I was wrong because of something then again I am wrong because they thought so! And hence “I deserved to be taught a lesson”! And the lesson came in form of multitudes of verbal abuses! The words that were used would be something beyond your wildest imagination!

And why did I put up with all the shit you can ask! I bore it all because I fell for all his manipulative acts! I believed him when he said I was wrong/ I was terrible/ I act like a b**** and also believed him when he said I made him act the way he did!
One important question to ask now! What did he use for manipulation?
Suicide Threats!
I was gullible enough to believe that he loved me and that it was the magnitude of that love that made him not want to live without me and hence the suicide threats naturally followed! And he was the cynosure of all eyes and so I trusted that there was something wrong with me for making him mad!

You might ask did you not realize the emptiness in his threats after a point in time? Well Folks, just when I was about to, he went beyond just threatening! Popping some strange pill or the other, taking in some quantities of pest repellant-quantities not enough to kill him but more than enough to terrorize me- ensured that he exercised a strong control over me and my actions. Guess he was happy about that. But let me tell you friends those 9 months were the worst months of my life! Every night whenever we used to have an argument-over things which were of highly inconsequential and insignificant in nature; something like me wanting to dress up for the next day’s function in the college and he not wanting me to do so-which would result in him hanging up rudely, I used to stay awake wondering if he would be alive the next day or would he have done something that would make me regret for my lifetime. I would even go to the extent of wondering how much of shame I would be causing to my parents because of all the police intervention that would naturally follow a suicide. The torment I endured until the next day when I receive a message or call from him is inexplicable and its something that I wouldn’t want to endure again in my life.

Slowly his suicidal threats became more and more unpredictable and were starting to seem desperate with him wanting to commit suicide for every dime and reason, and his verbal abuses were also becoming more and more intolerable! That’s when I decided to throw caution to the winds and decided to break off from that relationship which by then had completely drained me off my energy!

But he had stood true to his words and killed himself but not without garnering enough attention! The days before his death he made himself look very sad with unshaven beard and tonsured head so that the world would believe his pathetic stories after he died. He sent e mails and letters to my family, his friends and my friends(Practically to everyone I ever knew!!!)the day before he actually died. His death added credibility to the lies in this letters. He made it look like I tortured him! He made people believe that I was responsible for everything. And naturally people believed him! I was made to assume the stature of outcast overnight!
It was then I realized that the world would rather believe the lies of the dead than the loud cries of the alive! How long would it have taken for me to end my life with another similar letter expressing the tortures I had to endure because of him both before and after his death? But trust me, I never wanted to! Because I knew that I would get nothing by proving anyone wrong! And even if had managed to prove them wrong, I knew my life is worth more than just that!
What did he achieve with the attention that he garnered after his death? Yes he did turn the world against me but then that was just temporary! The world did get tired of recounting his story over and over again and it did start to take notice of my achievements soon after and people did come lining up to me to get help as and when required. The world did look up to me when I made it to the IIM and the world respects me now for who I am, for the position I hold in the society!
Yes soon after his death I did get the feeling that life was unfair to me; I was made to suffer endlessly for no fault of mine; I

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was made an outcast for no reason! But then I soon realized there was no point wallowing in self pity. Trust me friends wallowing in self pity is like getting addicted to alcohol, only that its worse! I had a tough time getting out of that state. But I did! I looked around and realized that I have been gifted with much more blessings than many others and instead of looking at what I did not have, I started looking at what I have.

This self awareness helped me lead a better life and it had helped me mature to levels unimaginable! And now looking back I am glad that I was made to endure all the suffering because that had made me a strong person I am now! And I love myself all the more for being strong and yeah for being smart:-)!
And yeah none of this would have been possible without the help of my ever loving family and close friends! I understood what it means to be loved unconditionally and I am more than glad that I got to know something that is generally taken for granted!

 

*Name changed on request

5 Comments

Was: a victim
City: New Delhi, India
Was wearing Jeans and Shirt
Reaction: Moved away silently

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged Less than 20

Experience:
So I remember this was perhaps the last week of my six-month long internship in Delhi, a part of our curriculum in college. I and a friend of mine whose name I choose not to reveal, were walking about some random street, not too far from where we were living then and, believe it or not, this is not some deserted area I am talking about. This is a street full of eateries and you have people bustling around all the time. Anyway, there I was with my friend and suddenly it struck my friend that there was this black Santro with two boys in it, and yes, though they looked like college kids they could scare the shit out of you (we all know what some of these innocent juveniles are capable of), that had been following us wherever we were going that day. We waived off the thought and went back home. The next day again the car was there. We let it go yet again. This kept happening for a week. I remember on our last day in Delhi our stalkers had followed us into the residential campus of NPL, Don’t ask me what the security guards were doing because I have no freaking idea, and they followed us till the last but one lane. This was when my friend and I just started walking about randomly because we did not want them to find out where exactly we live. They left after a while. Probably they came there the next day as well. We wouldn’t know because thankfully we were done with our internship and we left that godforsaken city. To this day I shudder to think what could have happened had we stayed there for a little longer. And often I make a joke out of it because that is what I do about almost everything that I feel helpless about.

 

 

No Comments

Gender woman

Was: a witness
City: Hyderabad
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Moved away silently

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Friend or acquaintance and aged Less than 20

Experience:
This is not just a passing moment but a tortuous one year ordeal of a young girl about 13-14 years.

The beautiful girl that I am talking about was in her 11th standard when she was stalked by a male senior student from her college (He was infact just one among the lot she had to face every day at college). Inspite of the girl’s indifference towards him, he persistently talked to her and eventually expressed his interest in her. Not withstanding rejection he then threatened to harm her else to harm himself.

Through all this the girl could do nothing but be scared and pray that she does not have to face any awkward situation. This said the girl could not even express her anguish to her parents as they reprimanded her when they sensed the attention their beautiful daughter received ( no mistake of hers).

fortunately, the girl did not get to see a bad day, however the lone battle was very difficult for her especially at such a young age. Today as i read through ibreakmysilence.org i see many similar stories. And I believe that this is a result of society’s attitude (including

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parents) towards a victim in sexual harassment cases. Most people even today see the victim rather than the perpetrator as the cause of the mishap (as we hear people blame it on woman’s clothes else her socializing nature etc.,.). From all this I just want to say that if we let go of this attitude, no woman would be ashamed or hesitant to share her stories and would garner strength to fight back and avoid domestic violence at the least!

jeans-banned-at-indian-school-over-eve-teasing-1355159778-4431

No Comments

Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: House/Haryana
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Moved away silently

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Neighbour and aged Less than 20

Experience:
I think I was 5-6 years old. Yes, so I was just a kid. We would generally go to this house next door to play with the family. I think he must be hardly 15 years of age and I considered him just as my elder brother. He would call me in the afternoons, would undress me, and lick me. I remember this happening twice. I, myself dint know what was it since I was grown up enough to understand everything. At that time, I don’t even know how I escaped out of it. Now it just seems to be a nightmare that something like this happened. I don’t remember anything from my childhood but, this incident. What was my fault? I was innocent and ignorant. I din’t know what was happening to me.

Now, he is married, has a son. What does he envision for his son? To be just another cheapster like him?!

*- Name changed on request

ChinaDoll

No Comments

Gender Female

Was a : victim

City : Chennai/House

Was wearing school uniform

Reaction : Passively endured

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Relative and aged more than 50

Experience :

I was in class 4, I used to often stay at my aunt’s place (My father’s sister) as my parents were working. My aunt was a lovely lady, very loving, like a mother. She had no idea. My uncle used to play cartoons on the tv, make me lie down with him, put a blanket over us, and he would then put his hands inside my dress and finger me. I was very uncomfortable, I knew something was miserably wrong, but I had no idea what to do. It was deeply shameful, and as a child I was just confused. This happened probably 2-3 times. My aunt would come around asking if we need anything to eat etc, and he would kind of hurriedly shoo her away saying we’re fine, and that he is telling me a bedtime story or something like that. After that we moved our house so I was spared the ordeal of staying with them. When this happened, my aunt and uncle already had grandchildren, my uncle must have been 50-55 atleast..

I slowly shared it with my cousin a year later, and she said she underwent the same with him. We both were 10 years old then, we then created a diary, where we would draw pictures of him and then stab him with a knife, scribble ‘bad words’ over him or something like that or something to that effect.. I don’t remember clearly..

Several years later, my aunt passed away. I was in college then, my uncle’s drinking habits worsened, and I found him lying on the street one day,I had half a mind to leave him there , but then somehow, I quickly hailed an auto and dropped him back home. That day I came home and told my mother what had happened several years earlier, she was shocked and speechless. My little brother who overheard us talking, then walked into the room and confided in her too, that when he was 6 years old, that uncle had stripped in front of my brother and tried to force my brother to touch and feel him. My brother did it once or twice, was repulsed and ran out of the room, but had never mentioned it to anyone till date…

So that is 3 of us, as far as I know, who were abused by the uncle, if only I had spoken up, maybe I could have spared the other two from this ordeal? Or maybe I could have ruined my aunt’s life? I’m not sure.. He was the only breadwinner, and my aunt wasn’t working..Very recently I told his daughter-in- law about this, she wasn’t shocked at all, and she said she caught him trying to peek

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into their bedroom after their marriage. She said she knew her father-in-law was a pervert, but she has no other choice other than to support him in his old age.

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