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Blog Archives

Gender – Male

Was a victim. Incident was recurring.

Experience –

I was 4 years old when I went through a horrible sexual abuse at the hands of my servant. My father passed away when I was merely an year old. My mother moved to her parent’s house and started working as a teacher whilst my elder brother went to school. I lived with my grandparents at home. I used to have fits at the time so I joined school very late. My grandparents were very loving but too old to look after me like a parent does. Hence the servant capitalized upon the situation and molested me on almost a daily basis. I don’t even remember how many times it occurred. One day he was caught red handed and thrown out of the house. Then, I stopped interacting with people. I developed serious eating disorders that turned me into an enormous 92kg being at a tender age of 14. I studied in an all boys school and my childhood experience shuttered my social interaction with same sex people. I viewed them with suspicion and felt insecure. I grew up with no friends, mocked by family and peer groups for being fat and too ‘girly’. All this insult plunged me back into my dark past. I saw the reason behind my failures in my sexual abuse. I felt like a toy, who was treated for the sake of extracting pleasure and then broken into pieces. I loathed my every bit of body and every minute of existence was a nightmare. Never had I hated myself this much. In fact at times, I blamed myself for it. I thought I had invited them to assault me. It was a mental torture that I silently endured.

And as they say it, you are never alone. I found solace in a cousin of mine who ensured that I don’t give up. She gave me life. If she’s reading this, I want to tell her how much love and respect I have for her. She listened to my stories, my depression and hours of complaining. Finally I decided that if there’s anything that can change my life, it’s me. Therefore, I found my courage. I lost weight from 92 to 65 kgs. With that, I began to concentrate on the good things in my life. I also stopped treating myself as a victim and began to see myself as a survivor because I knew that I could have been in an even worse condition.

Lastly my message to all the survivors of sexual abuse out there is that you are not alone. Don’t blame yourself. The mindset and mentality of the disgusting person who did this to you is to blame. If you find someone who is going through the same, then please stand up for them and give them support. Take a step to break the chain of this heinous crime. Be proud of who you are! Remember, you can always make the best out of your worst experiences. Be strong!

No Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: Coimbatore
Was wearing : I don’t remember
Reaction: Helpless/passively endured
Incident was: multiple times

Being a girl is never entertaining if you are leered at and hooted at like a circus animal; not because of the harassment but because of the by-products it comes with. It was never entertaining, for me, at least always. I was around 9 and I found that my breasts had started to grow. For a nine-year old, it only appeared curious – the way it grew and how it stood. For me, it only filled with thoughts like ‘what was inside it!’ ‘would it keep growing!’ and ’why are my tops getting tight?. That being said it was only an addition of my body that I didn’t know what to do with. It didn’t occur that my ‘recent’ addition could possibly look like an object of lust for a guy. That day, I had gone to the bazaar with my mom; it was crowded, as usual and the dark evening was visibly lit by the lights from various stores. My mom was holding my hand with a firm grip and was leading through the crowd; I was still a child for her. Among the bustling crowd, I suddenly felt a man’s robust hand, firm enough, reaching one of my breasts, holding it for a second and squeezing it. It happened in less than a few seconds, when my mom was still gripping my hand and walking. I was too small to be shocked, but I was scared: scared at men, men who were of the same gender of my father. That night, I told my dad, “Appa, today…at the bazaar…one guy pressed my breast like an auto horn.” I was only that innocent to come up with such analogy. My parents were obviously shocked and unanimously decided, “Let’s not take her out for some time.” For a genuine opening up it’s always loss of freedom for a girl. I started receding in and when it happened the next time, I didn’t tell a word to my parents.

I was around 10 when it happened, and I was at home with a guy who I called ‘brother’; when I thought people are what you call them by. He was an electrician and I was sticking around to see how he wires things. At one point, he pulled me towards him and started to play with me and making me laugh. He threw me up in the air and caught me; he made me sit on his lap and put his hands around and started to say stuff that made both of us giggle. I didn’t pay attention to what he said as there was something else that was holding my attention. Something was moving under his dhothi;  I felt wriggling under my thighs. And in some time, I felt it against everywhere, once against my thighs, once at my bottom, once here, once there. He was still cajoling me like a kid. It took a while to realize something was not normal. This had not happened when I sat on my father’s lap. My mom accidentally came there now, and called me aside. Her face was flushed and told me to come downstairs. I now clearly knew something was wrong; it took a bit of wrestling to come away from him. I knew what it meant only after a long time.

Now my shell had started to thicken; I had stopped talking with random guys and if I had to, I did it with utmost precaution not to let them near me. My trust on men came with great effort on both the sides which took time to overcome. I started standing up against them doing whatever I could. I thought I had the courage to fight back; I have grown strong. But a few things didn’t let me be so.

I was 22 and I went to a movie with my sister’s family. Towards the intermission, I felt fingers from behind searching for something, first from the bottom of my seat and then from the sides. My heart was palpitating and I moved to tip of my seat. I was out of reach. I was sitting at the edge and was gazing at the screen nervously.  It’s not the groping or the look that makes harassment obnoxious but the after effect that makes it  – ‘it is better when you avoid’. I wanted to stand up and kick that man’s ass. But I didn’t have the courage to do it. I would only end up losing my freedom. My sister would think ‘if this happens when we are around, then what horrible things might happen to her when she is alone’. I couldn’t afford to lose my freedom once again, and I couldn’t passively endure it. I made myself hard to reach. After the intermission, the same guy had misbehaved with my sister and she started to yell to Mother Kali. That guy, being threatened, ran off. My sister’s courage was commendable, but my courage could have backfired.

I didn’t want to experiment how they would feel if I stood up, my question of freedom is more important to me to experiment with; but I knew they would definitely be worried. A few parents live in a myth that they have to bring their daughter up sinless and pure, something like ‘untouched by human hand’. The moment you tell what has happened, that their Cinderella-like-little girl has been abused, their myth gets crushed. They are comfortable with Cinderellas locked up at home than with a girl who fights back; it eases their heart that way.

I am being whistled at, I am being bruised by dark hands and I stand up when I am alone. I avoid and don’t fight back when my family is around, with their Cinderella myth intact. Would parents call their child and ask her to ‘Stand up and be bold’ the moment she says something she doesn’t know what to do with?

 

*Name changed on request

Share your experience with us and the world! You will be helping others who went through something similar; and you will show the world what it really feels like! We will knock some sense into people, one person at a time.

Break your silence at http://ibreakmysilence.org/tell-your-story/ or you can also call us at 07696078820 to talk to us.

No Comments

Gender Male

Was: a witness

City: Chennai

Was wearing I don’t remember
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Friend or acquaintance and aged Less than 20

Experience:
I was in my 10th Standard and was returning from some classes in Ashok Nagar with a few of my classmates. We were three in the cycle in which we were riding. I was in the front, another classmate was riding the bike and a third one was in the back.
A few college girls were passing by and the guy sitting in the back started passing some comments on the girls. I was annoyed by his behaviour and got down from the cycle and started walking my way back when suddenly the other 2 guys turned around the cycle to

the direction in which the girls were going and started riding fast. When they got closer the bastards slapped the back of one of the girls and fled.
It was such a disgusting feeling as I had a sister back home who would have been as uncomfortable with such an incident.
I met those guys again the next day and gave them a lot of gyan on why they should not have done it …blah blah… but it never really sunk into their head…
For some weird reason I never severed relationship with these perverts until the early stages of my career and today looking at what they have done to their co-workers, family or others around I wish I realised that perverts should be made outcast as early as possible and not be allowed to mingle with the society.

My lesson from this is that if any of us find people around us who do not fit our moral values better stay away from them as they hardly change… I may be wrong and some may really change but I’ve not known anyone who has been a pervert in School days but changed later to be a

responsible and moral citizen.FINE ART PRINTS, CHILDREN

No Comments

Gender Male

Was: a victim
City: Chennai
Was wearing I don’t remember
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: Recurring

Perpetrator was a Neighbour and aged Less than 20

Experience:
Today, I’m a changemaker and try to bring about a positive change in the lives of children and young adults through education but I wasn’t always like this.
I was a below average student (medical reasons) and was always told how good people around are in their academic pursuits.
I was about 12 years old when I started facing sexual harassment at the hands of my neighbour who was in his late teens. He was supposed to be like a brother helping me with my academic shortcomings but in the absence of my anybody at our homes he would make be perform oral favours to him that I

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would not well comprehend in the initial days but soon I could sense it was not something that was meant to be. His next advancement was towards my sister who was about 3 years younger to me which I realised could be bad and started spending more time with this man so that his advances towards my sister could be checked. It worked but at the cost of severe mental trauma to me which has not allowed me to engage in any form of sexual encouters even after 18 years. He had to relocate to a different town for his post graduation and the abuse stopped in about a year but I cant imagine what could have happened to me if this man had continued living in my neighbourhood as a extended member of my family.
I put through this inspite of knowing that my parents are brave to confront anything head on if it affects us (I & my sister) as I was not sure how to communicate this awkward situation to my angle gaurdians who could not see through the evil thoughts and actions of their otherwise pious neighbour.child-abuse-1
This is not an isolated incident and over the years I’ve come across many such

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people living in our society who do this to kids irrespective of the gender. Had it not been for the moral education of my parents I would have turned to be one of those culprits myself!!! My study of psychology helps me understand the rationale that suppressed

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emotions become part of your character, especially if it is not addressed in a timely manner.

Unlike the US or many other countries we do not have a knowledge base of how to handle these issues. What HumanFirst should work towards is building a knowledgebase of possible problems and how to tackle them physically, emotionally and legally.

 

* Name changed on request

1 Comment

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: Pondicherry
Was wearing chudithar/salwar kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: One time
IMG_8854
Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 30-40

Experience:
This is an unforgettable incident because it happened on my birthday. I was on my way back from Chennai to Pondicherry that Sunday evening. It was around 9:30 PM. Really glad that i had bumped into my roommate on the way back from bus stop to the hostel, i was walking along with her discussing how my day had been. On the way towards the hostel, in the middle of a residential colony, a guy in a cycle came in my direction, groped me and whizzed past before either my roommate or i realised what just happened. Never had i felt so powerless, never so humiliated. I was wearing a traditional chudidhar with dupatta pinned on both sides. I was walking in a safe residential colony. I was not alone. This was not supposed to happen under such circumstances. And yet, there i was, watching the bastard cycle away into the dark, not knowing how to get back at him.

That was the day i truly realised that no matter how modestly i dressed, there are always men who would continue to stare below my neckline, who would continue to grope me in public. All the stigma attached to “modern clothes” was just rubbish.

No Comments

Gender Male

Was: a victim
City: Main road in Chennai
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 40-50

Experience:
What could possibly go wrong by just accepting a ride back home from school?

The incident happened when I was in high school (standard XI).  I was walking home from school when an old(ish) man with grey hair and riding a motorcycle, stopped and offered me a ride till the bus stop at the end of the road. I figured I was lucky that day since I had never got an offer from any stranger before, and I was in a hurry back home anyway; I accepted the ride. Halfway towards the bus stop, he asked me where my house was; I told him, and he replied that he is anyway going somewhere close by and he can drop me in a bus stop near my house. I agreed a second time, thinking that I was lucky after all.

However, soon after, in the middle of the road, he stuck his hand behind him, and started rubbing my genital organ. I resisted his advances, but I did not have the nerve to react or fight back. This went on for a little distance, and then he took my hand in front of him & forced me to rub his organ. I resisted a bit more, at which point he threatened me saying, “Don’t act like a good boy. I know what you do when you boys are alone.” (By the way, he spoke fluent English.) I was initially too stunned at that comment to react; slowly I mustered my courage and forced him to stop by threatening him that I will try to get the attention of a traffic cop standing nearby.

I got down immediately after he stopped the vehicle, but he didn’t let me go completely. He caught my hand, forced it up on his genitalia and asked me to squeeze it for him. “One hard squeeze, and I will let you go.” I was just thinking of getting out of there asap, so I first obeyed him instinctively. But he was not satisfied with my squeeze, asking me to tighten my grip more & more. When I couldn’t take it anymore after a stage, I just loosened my grip and repeated my warning that I will call for attention unless he lets me go. He relented finally, and I walked away.

Aftermath: I was quite shocked for a few days after the incident. Fortunately, however, the incident was rather brief, and it did not leave any long-term or disastrous impact on me. I do think about it from time to time, feeling embarrassed by my helplessness in that situation. Finally, this incident remained a complete secret for about seven years, until I told my friend last year. I did not know how to bring it up with my parents, friends, or teachers.Photo-on-2-22-13-at-6.26-PM

No Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: School van/Mumbai
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Friend or acquaintance and aged 20-30

Experience:
There were two incidents that happened at different times in the school van, by two different perpetrators. I was about 15 years old when this happened.

The first one was a school kid, a boy who was a year younger than me and studying in the lower class. He would sit next to me in the school van, and tried to stroke me on the back and sides and behaved as if nothing happened whenever I gave him a glare. He continued doing this for a couple of days, until I cried out angrily in front of everyone to stop it. He behaved as if he had no clue what I was talking about, but fortunately didn’t touch me again.

The other incident involved the man (we called him uncle) who drove the van. On the way back home, there was a time when all the other girls had already been dropped off, and I was the only girl remaining in the van with other school boys. I don’t remember how it all started,  but the van uncle was making lewd remarks about a girl’s private parts and all the school boys were enjoying it and laughing over it. Knowing that I was the only girl around, I could understand that it was aimed at harassing me, but I didn’t know how to react as even my school “friends” were joining in the abuse by laughing at it. Although, this was a case of only verbal abuse, it left a much deeper scar on my psyche than the former one or any other incidents of abuse because I couldn’t retaliate or talk to anyone about it at that age. Moreover, it was done by someone my family trusted my transportation to.
upload
It is very important for girls and women to retaliate and talk freely about such incidents, and to produce an environment where they feel free to do so. It is also necessary to educate school kids, both girls and boys, on how to react to such situations, when they themselves or a friend is being threatened.

*-Name changed on request

No Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: House/Hyderabad
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Neighbouimagesr and aged 40-50

Experience:
I was 12 or younger- I was walking down the street near my house in the afternoon. It was a sleepy residential area, considered very safe, when a guy started stalking me. I did not know it at the time and hence was oblivious. I felt someone staring at me and when I turned back, he was across the road, he had removed his penis out and was leering at me. I was brought up in such a conservative family that there were no talks ever about anything related to guys or sex or anything. In fact, at the time, I was so clueless, it took me a while to realize that was his penis. I was more scared of the expression on his face- he had an ugly look of hunger. I got very frightened and ran away from there. I brushed it off as one brushes off seeing a mad person on the road.

The next time was when I was in eighth class and returned from school earlier than usual. I was supposed to pick up my keys and my snack box for my tuition from my neighbor- this was a regular thing in case my mother had to go out. When I when to the neighbor’s house, I got to know that

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he was the only one home and as soon as I had my back turned to him, he grabbed me from behind and groped me. I was stunned and could not move for some time. Then I mumbled that my mom will be coming now and fought and pushed him away and ran…

I was always told not to trust strangers/ wear traditional clothes etc. and hence was very very guilty after this. I remember nothing but guilt, not even hatred for him. I did not wish that he should not have done it- I only wished that I wasn’t trusting- because, as far as I knew, we are supposed to be very careful or else…

I know now that I was not at fault, except when I could have shouted out, told people about it. But I was never taught that it was okay to talk about this. Even when my mother taught me basic hygiene, it was with a rightly expression of disgust- it was not in our culture to question/talk about any of this… forget any education about how to address all the sexual energy.
I hope something changes with initiatives like this.
There were many more incidents other than the above two. Enough of those happened in public transport that I think it is as safe as walking through a red light area at midnight- although it is a myth that most sexual assaults happen at night. Or to scantily clad rebellious girls.

*-Name changed on request

No Comments

TearsGender woman

Was: a victim
City: home
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged Less than 20

Experience:
Hi all,after seeing all these blogs, I felt i’m not alone.
I have my own experience, actually lots of experiences.

I have two cousins.
Whenever I go to my uncle’s place, the elder one, who was studying in a hostel, will definitely visit as if he has so much of love and affection to me. He doesnt even understand the relation between us, sister and brother.I was sleeping between my cousin and my aunt. I always have a sound sleep. For a while I didnt notice what was happening. but suddenly I came into my senses and noticed that he was rubbing my private parts and was pleasuring himself. I was just 9 yrs old and could not understand whats happening, but definitely know that it was wrong. I got up and went into the rest room to avoid him. But this didn’t stop every time I visited their home.I was so scared to open up about this to my parents. To my bad luck he shifted to our home for his higher studies. And the torture had no limits.He used to peep into the bathrooms when I was bathing. I used to hide.Once I slapped him hard when he was trying to touch my chest and other private parts. But he was least bothered. He just begged me not to tell this to anyone.This harressment continued till i was 20.

This is about the younger one. During my college days I used to get some mails from some unknown guy blackmailing me. I was so much afraid and used to talk to my younger cousin who is so close to me. He said it might be my college guys and suggested me to be friendly with every one so that you will not get into this situation.He acted to be very close to me and used to kiss me acting so affectionately. But I could only understand his intension after a while. Once we all visited tirumala, where I observed someone was peeping into the bathroom from back side and I shouted in fear. My parents asked what happened but I just said some silly answer. After We came back I got a mail blackmailing me saying that he has my nude pics. He actually clicked my pics. By then my marriage was fixed. I said this to my cousin and to my husband.My hubby is such a nice guy. He replied to that email threatening him that its not difficult to catch him. He said he is gonna complain to the police under cyber act case and he can be easily traced.But my cousin was suggesting my husband not to go for a police case and lets wait for the reply and he said he is confident that we will get a reply apolgizing for his acts. we got a reply saying sorry. So I strongly feel that it was my cousin who did all this drama. But I could not say this to anyone.

Now just imagine what I went through in my life. I was living with fear all through life till I got married. I was scared to go to my own bathroom. I always check around even today. I wasnt feeling secure in my own home. But I will never blame my parents. Now our family wont speak to them coz of some issue and i’m the happiest soul on the earth. Now I have a daughter who is just 9 months old and I always tell her “I’ll not let this happen to you”.
Tears are rolling down when i’m composing this.

 

*Name changed on request

2 Comments

Swamimalai_Murugan_TempleGender woman

Was: a victim
City: Temple/Swamimalai
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 30-40

Incident was : One time

Experience:
I have been oscillating between wanting to share my experience here and choosing to bury it. And then I just decided to go ahead because of the the circumstances in which the incident happened. Our family makes a trip to Swamimalai (near Kumbakonam) every year for Abhishekam and prayers. Though I am not exactly religious, I liked the trips because I got to meet my cousins and could laze around as the trips almost always happened during summer breaks. The temple tends to be crowded on certain days that are considered auspicious. On such auspicious days, weddings also happen in the temple premises so the place gets pretty crowded. It was on one such a day that the incident happened. I was about 14 or 15 I think. We were standing outside the main Sannidhi, waiting for the Arathi. I was wearing a Salwar Kameez with Duppata. In the crowd, someone grabbed my breasts from behind and I felt like I had been electrocuted. I quickly turned around, trembling, but whoever it was had made a quick escape into the jostling crowd. I don’t know the age of the perpetrator but I felt helpless and was too ashamed to share this with anyone. I won’t say that the incident has scarred me or that it has stopped me from going to temples. But even when I think of it now, it feels so wrong.. so very wrong that in your moment of silence, in such a scared and sanctified space, this should happen.

No Comments
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