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Blog Archives

Gender – Male

Was a victim. Incident was recurring.

Experience –

I was 4 years old when I went through a horrible sexual abuse at the hands of my servant. My father passed away when I was merely an year old. My mother moved to her parent’s house and started working as a teacher whilst my elder brother went to school. I lived with my grandparents at home. I used to have fits at the time so I joined school very late. My grandparents were very loving but too old to look after me like a parent does. Hence the servant capitalized upon the situation and molested me on almost a daily basis. I don’t even remember how many times it occurred. One day he was caught red handed and thrown out of the house. Then, I stopped interacting with people. I developed serious eating disorders that turned me into an enormous 92kg being at a tender age of 14. I studied in an all boys school and my childhood experience shuttered my social interaction with same sex people. I viewed them with suspicion and felt insecure. I grew up with no friends, mocked by family and peer groups for being fat and too ‘girly’. All this insult plunged me back into my dark past. I saw the reason behind my failures in my sexual abuse. I felt like a toy, who was treated for the sake of extracting pleasure and then broken into pieces. I loathed my every bit of body and every minute of existence was a nightmare. Never had I hated myself this much. In fact at times, I blamed myself for it. I thought I had invited them to assault me. It was a mental torture that I silently endured.

And as they say it, you are never alone. I found solace in a cousin of mine who ensured that I don’t give up. She gave me life. If she’s reading this, I want to tell her how much love and respect I have for her. She listened to my stories, my depression and hours of complaining. Finally I decided that if there’s anything that can change my life, it’s me. Therefore, I found my courage. I lost weight from 92 to 65 kgs. With that, I began to concentrate on the good things in my life. I also stopped treating myself as a victim and began to see myself as a survivor because I knew that I could have been in an even worse condition.

Lastly my message to all the survivors of sexual abuse out there is that you are not alone. Don’t blame yourself. The mindset and mentality of the disgusting person who did this to you is to blame. If you find someone who is going through the same, then please stand up for them and give them support. Take a step to break the chain of this heinous crime. Be proud of who you are! Remember, you can always make the best out of your worst experiences. Be strong!

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Gender – Female

Was a victim. Incident was recurring.

Experience :

It’s been years. I don’t feel the pain in my vagina anymore. I was shocked. Ma used to see my vagina bleed, she never did anything. So, I thought it’s something to be done regularly. I was 7 then. I am 20 now.

Every man in that family tried to touch me. Mama, Kaka, Masa.
BUT, but Baba didnt stop them! He didn’t stop them because he wanted to earn without working and I was the only option for him, even though he didn’t let any other man touch me BUT my relatives and he claims that with pride.

When I tried going to police, I was asked how were my boobs grabbed and I was asked to demonstrate and then “I was asked to strip and show them the marks.”

It was regular. I crossed my puberty. My school was very strict and I had no friends. My own parents betrayed me.

I was 7 when I was raped. My mother served him tea in the very room. My dad took money from him, I was in pain. Something below my stomach was paining and I couldn’t understand anything.

Next day, mama had come over. I was so happy. He entered my room with Nutties and raped me just like kaka did. He held my breasts so hard and then he put fingers in my vagina, and it was hurting me so much.

I wanted to run away, I was crying and screaming, he penetrated something and I felt like I was dying and then I was lying on the floor, naked. My pet, Tito, licked my head and arms and sat there, without barking. This continued. Just because they wanted to derive pleasure, I was raped by Kaka and Mama on the very same day just before my Exams. My vagina bled, days after days. I didn’t feel the pain anymore. Their penises were so familiar and so friendly, yet so unwanted. I was always ready with my legs spread, with my clothes off my body. Baba and I hardly spoke then, I couldn’t tolerate them, in fact, I was pregnant and I was asked to choose abortion, obviously!

I will never have kids. I have complications. I have been raped more than 30-40 times, I can never have babies, but I want to adopt so many dogs and so many cats and live happily…HAPPILY

But I am awesome now. I am getting married which was something I always wanted to avoid. A man fell in love with this torn body which has been used in every way by many men. SEX, not love. Now, I am getting the love I deserve and that makes me smile. I have left them now, I live with my friends and I am happy.”

 

Source – http://www.riseforindia.com/relatives-raped-me-30-40-times-it-didnt-hurt/

 

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Gender – Female

Was a victim.

Was wearing jeans and shirt. The incident was recurring.

Reaction was helpless and passively endured.

Experience :

Perhaps memories fade with time, but the emotions we go through don’t. They leave an impression on our minds, vague for some, but there. Perhaps ignorance is bliss. Then again perhaps not. Ignorance or denial for the matter is not a magic wand. For a long time I chose to hide away behind them and this I say with absolute certainty, it doesn’t help. I am a victim of sexual abuse, one among the many out there. It started at an age where I didn’t even know what it was. A man, old enough to be my father, touched me in the guise of helping me dress up for a function. I felt odd and to a large extent disgusted. What should I do when he touches me, it doesn’t feel right? What should I do when he tells me not to talk about it with anyone? Should I go to my parents, siblings, friends? I was too young to know the answers.

I did what a scared, confused child would do when confronted with a fear . . . I ran away. And I thought i was safe. But I wasn’t. And the worse part? This time I was unsafe at home, among my family. A man I should have been able to bank on—a family member, betrayed my trust by violating my personal space. I resented him. I was horrified, alone, frightened, revolted . . . perhaps just slightly in shock. Why wouldn’t I be? If family isn’t my safe space, whom do I fall back upon? What is my safety net? This tie I knew it was wrong. I understood the why but not the questions which haunted me years ago, came back to haunt me. Again, I had no answer.

I never spoke about it. And perhaps it did not hold me back in life, perhaps it did not stop me from living the way I liked, but it was always there . . . like a skeleton in the closet I refused to acknowledge.

Message :

Time and time again, I’ve gone through violations. Violations of my space, my body and my mind. When I finally found the courage to talk about it and break my long kept silence, I felt light. Like a burden had lifted off my shoulders. Like the world knew and there was nothing to hide. I realised the power of speaking up when we are violated and the strength and confidence it gave me to never let that happen to me again. Thanks to I Break My Silence for giving me a platform to vent, to simply speak up and come to terms with it….To make sure that the other thousands of Vijayas who are keeping silent are given the courage to live free, I say let’s come together and break our silence.

 

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Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: home/delhi
Was wearing jeans and shirt
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)
Incident was: Recurring

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged multiple ages, more than one incident

Experience:
i was in 11th class and my exams were approaching so my parents use to

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leave the house so that i can study calmly. they had gone to my massi house ,as i was alone my relative who was old enuf came in and as i respected him hugged him. he kissed me on my lips, i felt bad and disgusted. i got in my room and started studying. the man came in and started touching my upper part slowly . i reacted and got up from there and called my friend ,he came up and said im here to study with her. till date i hate that guy whenever he comes up and thankful to my friend. the other time my tenant ejaculated himself in me. this is bad really bad that guys take us for granted and just for there sheer satisfaction the do this im 20 now but these things still haunt me up so much that i get dreams about this and im afraid that someday my father would do the same to me though he is the one person whom i trust blindly but the trauma has made me like this . i cry myself in sleep sometimes and it feels so bd to think that you were being molested and you’r soul was broken in pieces. its so better to stay alone.

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Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: House/Hyderabad
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Neighbouimagesr and aged 40-50

Experience:
I was 12 or younger- I was walking down the street near my house in the afternoon. It was a sleepy residential area, considered very safe, when a guy started stalking me. I did not know it at the time and hence was oblivious. I felt someone staring at me and when I turned back, he was across the road, he had removed his penis out and was leering at me. I was brought up in such a conservative family that there were no talks ever about anything related to guys or sex or anything. In fact, at the time, I was so clueless, it took me a while to realize that was his penis. I was more scared of the expression on his face- he had an ugly look of hunger. I got very frightened and ran away from there. I brushed it off as one brushes off seeing a mad person on the road.

The next time was when I was in eighth class and returned from school earlier than usual. I was supposed to pick up my keys and my snack box for my tuition from my neighbor- this was a regular thing in case my mother had to go out. When I when to the neighbor’s house, I got to know that

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he was the only one home and as soon as I had my back turned to him, he grabbed me from behind and groped me. I was stunned and could not move for some time. Then I mumbled that my mom will be coming now and fought and pushed him away and ran…

I was always told not to trust strangers/ wear traditional clothes etc. and hence was very very guilty after this. I remember nothing but guilt, not even hatred for him. I did not wish that he should not have done it- I only wished that I wasn’t trusting- because, as far as I knew, we are supposed to be very careful or else…

I know now that I was not at fault, except when I could have shouted out, told people about it. But I was never taught that it was okay to talk about this. Even when my mother taught me basic hygiene, it was with a rightly expression of disgust- it was not in our culture to question/talk about any of this… forget any education about how to address all the sexual energy.
I hope something changes with initiatives like this.
There were many more incidents other than the above two. Enough of those happened in public transport that I think it is as safe as walking through a red light area at midnight- although it is a myth that most sexual assaults happen at night. Or to scantily clad rebellious girls.

*-Name changed on request

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TearsGender woman

Was: a victim
City: home
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged Less than 20

Experience:
Hi all,after seeing all these blogs, I felt i’m not alone.
I have my own experience, actually lots of experiences.

I have two cousins.
Whenever I go to my uncle’s place, the elder one, who was studying in a hostel, will definitely visit as if he has so much of love and affection to me. He doesnt even understand the relation between us, sister and brother.I was sleeping between my cousin and my aunt. I always have a sound sleep. For a while I didnt notice what was happening. but suddenly I came into my senses and noticed that he was rubbing my private parts and was pleasuring himself. I was just 9 yrs old and could not understand whats happening, but definitely know that it was wrong. I got up and went into the rest room to avoid him. But this didn’t stop every time I visited their home.I was so scared to open up about this to my parents. To my bad luck he shifted to our home for his higher studies. And the torture had no limits.He used to peep into the bathrooms when I was bathing. I used to hide.Once I slapped him hard when he was trying to touch my chest and other private parts. But he was least bothered. He just begged me not to tell this to anyone.This harressment continued till i was 20.

This is about the younger one. During my college days I used to get some mails from some unknown guy blackmailing me. I was so much afraid and used to talk to my younger cousin who is so close to me. He said it might be my college guys and suggested me to be friendly with every one so that you will not get into this situation.He acted to be very close to me and used to kiss me acting so affectionately. But I could only understand his intension after a while. Once we all visited tirumala, where I observed someone was peeping into the bathroom from back side and I shouted in fear. My parents asked what happened but I just said some silly answer. After We came back I got a mail blackmailing me saying that he has my nude pics. He actually clicked my pics. By then my marriage was fixed. I said this to my cousin and to my husband.My hubby is such a nice guy. He replied to that email threatening him that its not difficult to catch him. He said he is gonna complain to the police under cyber act case and he can be easily traced.But my cousin was suggesting my husband not to go for a police case and lets wait for the reply and he said he is confident that we will get a reply apolgizing for his acts. we got a reply saying sorry. So I strongly feel that it was my cousin who did all this drama. But I could not say this to anyone.

Now just imagine what I went through in my life. I was living with fear all through life till I got married. I was scared to go to my own bathroom. I always check around even today. I wasnt feeling secure in my own home. But I will never blame my parents. Now our family wont speak to them coz of some issue and i’m the happiest soul on the earth. Now I have a daughter who is just 9 months old and I always tell her “I’ll not let this happen to you”.
Tears are rolling down when i’m composing this.

 

*Name changed on request

2 Comments

IMG_0810Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: house-Chennai
Was wearing Short skirt and top
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : One time

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged 40-50

Experience:

I was 12 or 13, I use to visit my uncle’s place very often as a kid. I really enjoyed the company of my cousins, we spent a lot of time together as kids. So, one night as usual my uncle was drunk and he was tell us a story, me and my girl cousin. I thought he was trying to put us to sleep. We lied down in a row, my uncle was facing my back. He had his drunk face over my face. as he was narrating something, I felt some thing slimy in my back. I didn’t know what it was, all I knew is that it didn’t feel good. I was feeling really uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. He kept push in that slimy thing of his into my butt. After what seemed like half an hour or so, I finally got up, saying I wanna go to the restroom and went and slept in my aunt’s room.
I am 18 now. it was very recent that I realized that i was a victim of child sexual abuse. the memory is still fresh in my mind. I don’t know how to over come it, or get rid of that memory.

1 Comment

whosays-picGender woman

Was: a victim
City: House/College/Office
Was wearing Long Skirt and top
Reaction: Moved away silently

Perpetrator was a Friend or acquaintance and aged 20-30

Incident was : multiple times

Experience:
I had 4-5 experiences which had made me feel uncomfortable.

First incident was when I was attending math tuitions in my 9th grade. The math teacher(who was atleast 65) was touching my neck and slowly trying to move his hands downward. I pushed away his hands. My mom happened to see this when she had come to pick me up. But I continued the math tuitions which I shouldn’t have. He did not repeat it after that, though. I still feel I should have slapped him tight.

Second incident: I was alone at home and the contractor who constructed our home came to see something. I was standing and reading something.He came and groped my back. I quickly ran away and called my parents. I stayed downstairs and outside the hose till he left. My grandmother came from my cousin’s house and questioned him. I believe he was embarassed.

Third incident: It was in my office. One of my friends came and talked to me when I was in the early morning shift. No one else were in the cubicles nearby. While talking he came and kept his hand on my thighs and tried to push it up. I moved away from that spot. Somehow I did not tell him then and there. I pinged him the official messenger and told him I am not comfortable with whatever he was doing. He made some excuse and said he was trying to teach me something and bla bla bla. Today I feel I should have complained to the hr. The same guy used to ping me in messenger and talk to me about bra and stuff. I called him a pervert and blocked him in messenger.

Fourth incident: I was climbing the college stairs and one of my classmates came and groped my hips. There was no one else near by. I moved away and messaged him that I am not comfortable with gents touching me in any way. He apologized by texting.

Fifth incident:There was some email wars going on and one of the guys called me something bad. I told him that it is his girlfriend. He got pissed off and wrote 20 emails with lot of abusive stuff like I will do anything for money, sleep with your brother and a lot other things which I can’t even write here. I asked him to fuck off. I should have forwarded it to the college dean. Alas! it is too late.

I did not react or escalate these sexual/verbal abuses in all these cases above. Today I regret and believe that I should have reacted in a much better way.

1 Comment

Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: House/Chennai
Was wearing salwar kameez chudithar without dupatta
Reaction: Moved away silently

Incident was : One time

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged Less than 20

Experience:
I have been staring at this screen for 10 minutes now a liitle choked up. Just thinking about this incident brings back the memory I would like to erase but it feels as though it happened just yesterday. The worst part- a very close relative did this to me and I can’t cut that person out of my life even if I tried.

I was a very happy 12 yr old since my older male cousins were in town. This meant me and my brother had a valid excuse to bunk school for a day or two, play computer games/cricket and sleep late. I dint think my cousins were any different from my own brother. We would all sleep in the same room whenever they visited. That fateful night I was in the middle of the bed, with my cousins on either side of me. My back faced the eldest cousin since I sleep on my sides, my eyes were shut and I was about to fall asleep when I felt a hand get into the back of my nighti(night dress) and slide all the way to my butt. I felt so scared and quickly moved in the dark. Cousin got up and went into the bathroom and wasnt out for a long time. I got out of the room and slept with my parents that night.

All I could think of was what happened that night but I dint dare open up to anybody. My cousin behaved as though everything was fine the rest of his vacation and left. His dad apologised on his behalf 4 years later and told me that he had confessed to him immediately after the incident. An adult’s open and honest communication about the incident somehow erased all the guilt and gave me the courage to confront him. Once I spoke to him and he told me how sorry he was, I could bring myself to talk about it.

The whole incident is still very traumatising to me and it completely changed the equation I shared with my cousin. Also coming from a very sexually repressed society nobody teaches you how to handle your sexual energy (my cousin) and also how to react/respond in the event of an abuse. My parents are the best in the world according to me, still I couldnt talk to them about it – 1. I was ashamed of myself 2. I somehow thought my parents would blame/hate me for it or wouldnt take me seriously 3. I dint want my family to fight with each other 4. I dint want my cousins to hate me and stop visiting.

I have forgiven him for what he did but it can never be forgotten and will remain a painful yet a very distinct memory from my childhood.

DSCF4252

2 Comments

Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: House/Haryana
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Moved away silently

Incident was : Recurring

Perpetrator was a Neighbour and aged Less than 20

Experience:
I think I was 5-6 years old. Yes, so I was just a kid. We would generally go to this house next door to play with the family. I think he must be hardly 15 years of age and I considered him just as my elder brother. He would call me in the afternoons, would undress me, and lick me. I remember this happening twice. I, myself dint know what was it since I was grown up enough to understand everything. At that time, I don’t even know how I escaped out of it. Now it just seems to be a nightmare that something like this happened. I don’t remember anything from my childhood but, this incident. What was my fault? I was innocent and ignorant. I din’t know what was happening to me.

Now, he is married, has a son. What does he envision for his son? To be just another cheapster like him?!

*- Name changed on request

ChinaDoll

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