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Blog Archives

Gender – Male

Was a victim. Incident was recurring.

Experience –

I was 4 years old when I went through a horrible sexual abuse at the hands of my servant. My father passed away when I was merely an year old. My mother moved to her parent’s house and started working as a teacher whilst my elder brother went to school. I lived with my grandparents at home. I used to have fits at the time so I joined school very late. My grandparents were very loving but too old to look after me like a parent does. Hence the servant capitalized upon the situation and molested me on almost a daily basis. I don’t even remember how many times it occurred. One day he was caught red handed and thrown out of the house. Then, I stopped interacting with people. I developed serious eating disorders that turned me into an enormous 92kg being at a tender age of 14. I studied in an all boys school and my childhood experience shuttered my social interaction with same sex people. I viewed them with suspicion and felt insecure. I grew up with no friends, mocked by family and peer groups for being fat and too ‘girly’. All this insult plunged me back into my dark past. I saw the reason behind my failures in my sexual abuse. I felt like a toy, who was treated for the sake of extracting pleasure and then broken into pieces. I loathed my every bit of body and every minute of existence was a nightmare. Never had I hated myself this much. In fact at times, I blamed myself for it. I thought I had invited them to assault me. It was a mental torture that I silently endured.

And as they say it, you are never alone. I found solace in a cousin of mine who ensured that I don’t give up. She gave me life. If she’s reading this, I want to tell her how much love and respect I have for her. She listened to my stories, my depression and hours of complaining. Finally I decided that if there’s anything that can change my life, it’s me. Therefore, I found my courage. I lost weight from 92 to 65 kgs. With that, I began to concentrate on the good things in my life. I also stopped treating myself as a victim and began to see myself as a survivor because I knew that I could have been in an even worse condition.

Lastly my message to all the survivors of sexual abuse out there is that you are not alone. Don’t blame yourself. The mindset and mentality of the disgusting person who did this to you is to blame. If you find someone who is going through the same, then please stand up for them and give them support. Take a step to break the chain of this heinous crime. Be proud of who you are! Remember, you can always make the best out of your worst experiences. Be strong!

No Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: Bus/Chennai
Was wearing chudithar/salwar kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 20-30

Experience:
It was a Sunday afternoon, I was in my third year of engineering. I was returning to my hostel in Kodambakkam from Kilpauk in 17-D bus. The bus was very crowded. I was standing as there were no empty seats. I am a sturdy girl of height 5 feet 6 inches.(You will know why I am mentioning this at the end of the post). A lean and short guy hit me once, I thought it was because the bus was very much crowded and of the bad road. I moved away from him standing facing the windows. The bus became little crowded as it crossed the Valluvar kottam stop. When the bus was nearing the Meenakshi college stop, he fell over me from the back with force , that I was about hit the windows.Think as how hard he would have pushed me that a girl of my height would have fallen. I started shouting at him all abusive words I know. I even said that I would give an Eve-Teasing complaint. Nobody around me said anything not even the conductor.The lady who was observing us was the only one to say that I moved away from him and still he was after me. He got down as soon as he hit me and I still remember as what he said. He said it was me who was falling on me. I still cant forget that day. I cant forget how angry I was,very much more on the public which just stood watching.

Incident 2:
I am no stranger to bus travels in the night. As usual, I was travelling back to my hometown in a private bus from Chennai at 10:00 pm bus. An old man of respectable age came and told me that I was occupying his seat and that my seat was the one before his seat. I got up and changed the seat. It was in the middle of night after all the lights were shut off. I saw his fingers coming from back. I pulled up my seat. Then again he tried to touch below my neck. This time, I got up and occupied the front seat where his hands wont reach me. I was fuming over. The bus was not crowded. I kept vigilant the entire journey. When I was about to get down in my stop, I pulled over my laptop which was above his head and dropped it on his head. He cried in pain. I took the bag and went ahead with out looking back

I wish I had more courage those days. I tried my best to erase these things from my memory but they haunt me whenever I travel alone. As now I always carry a small blade with me.

No Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: Street/Hyderabad
Was wearing long skirt and top
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 20-30

Experience:
Having lived in Hyderabad for as long as I could remember, I’ve always considered the city to be one of the safest places for women. You could hail a cab home as late as 2 AM and still get home safe without a shadow of doubt & fear! But it all changed a few days ago when I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation which thankfully got averted before things got too ugly.

A couple of days ago, I had purchased some new furniture to refurnish my apartment and made plans to meet some friends for dinner after. I got a little delayed with the carpenters assembling the furniture in my house but decided to meet my friends anyway since the restaurant was only 2 kilometers away! Before you speculate on what I was wearing, let me clarify that I was wearing a below-the-knee long dress and a blazer over it so yes, I was decently clothed.

I was standing around the corner from my house, waiting for an auto and I managed to find an empty auto over 10 minutes later. I had just gotten into the auto when a stranger who was walking by stops and makes an unwelcome gesture as if he wanted to kiss me. Women usually get teased on the roads all the time and men jeering at you is nothing new but this seemed different because he seemed to want to pull me out of the auto. I got annoyed and told him to mind his own business and leave me alone. He seemed a bit agitated at this, looked at my dress and tried to pull it at the knee. By then I had lost my temper and landed a huge slap on his face and asked the auto driver to start so I could just get away. Much to my disbelief, the auto driver didn’t react at all. He wouldn’t even turn his head and see what the fuss was all about. Noticing that I was quite helpless, the bastard grabbed my arm tried to pull me out of the auto. I lost my balance a little but still managed to stay in the auto because the street had gotten pretty silent and dark. I quickly reacted and started badgering his head with the iPhone in my hand and hit him pretty hard at least ten times. He shifted his position a bit and I assumed that he was finally pulling away from the fight but he suddenly groped me and tried his might to inflict pain. It all happened so quickly but as soon as he groped me, I realized that I could kick him and so I kicked him really hard in the gut, with all my strength. As soon as he fell back a couple of paces from the blow, I yelled at the auto driver to start and take me to the restaurant as soon as possible. All I wanted was to get away before the bastard could do anything else. The auto driver starts the vehicle, drives about 2 meters and stops again so he could get a glimpse of what this bastard was now doing. Fortunately, the asshole finally lost interest in fighting and walked away saying some horrendous things. Meanwhile, the auto driver takes his time before he starts the vehicle and finally began driving me to the restaurant. I didn’t know if he was amused or just didn’t care. I saw the bastard passing by the lane I live, into a parallel road of a different neighborhood. He seemed like a construction worker, was drunk and seemed to be carrying a parcel home.

On the way, I realized how everything happened so quickly and that the bastard left a few bruises and nail marks in my arm and my chest. Feeling devastated and hurt, I demanded the auto driver to tell why he wouldn’t help and if all he could do was just sit and not react when a girl is screaming out for help. To my horror, he replies saying, ‘I thought you knew the guy. Why else would he grab you?’. Utterly shocked, I yelled at him saying, ‘It’s not my fault some idiot tried to grab me and why else would I scream for your help if I wasn’t in need?’. He drove the rest of the kilometer in utter silence. Though I acted pretty quickly during the incident, I was frightened and called my friends to ask them to meet me downstairs when I got to the restaurant. I was shaking when I met them and couldn’t even drink a glass of water so they dropped me home so I could clean the wounds and get some sleep. It’s been two nights and I still can’t sleep in peace without the event playing in my head every time I close my eyes. I’m lucky I got away with just a few bruises. I hate how those three minutes robbed me of my sense of security for the neighborhood I stay in and the city I love.

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I realized that onlookers/ strangers might not even bother to react or care enough to help you out. I bought myself a pepper spray can and placed an order for a stun gun online so I can carry some kind of self defense device. At a time when there is so much public anger on the lack of safety for women, I can’t help but wonder, ‘Do people not care unless something bad happens to them personally? Or are they just being insincere?’. I’m not really close with my parents or relatives so I haven’t even told them. For all I know, they’d blame me for going out in the night. But I know I’ll get over it in time with the help of my friends. I also know that I can’t and won’t let the fear cripple me and that I’m going to do whatever I can to help support campaigns against street harassment. Over & Out.2616510-Autorickshaw_India

7 Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: Bus, Chennai
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 20-30

Experience:
It was during my 12th. My school is situated behind a Men’s College and the school’s closure timing and the college’s coincide.
I was waiting for a not-so-crowded bus at the bus stop for quite sometime. Later I had to get into a crowded one. Few of the college guys were passing explicit comments about me for which i decided ignorance is the best thing. Later, one of them tried getting close to me or i would rather frame it as molested me. I screamed at the person and kept yelling until the bus was stopped. The bus conductor tried quietening me down and completely ignored the guy who was supposed to be punished.
I wanted the bus to be taken to a nearby Police Station. But the elderly people in the bus asked me to forget the whole incident and think that none of it ever happened. The bus conductor asked me to get down the bus so that the bus can start moving again.
It feels so wrong that women always are expected to never retaliate to such situationsquiet

2 Comments

Gender Female

Was: a victim
City: School van/Mumbai
Was wearing school uniform
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Friend or acquaintance and aged 20-30

Experience:
There were two incidents that happened at different times in the school van, by two different perpetrators. I was about 15 years old when this happened.

The first one was a school kid, a boy who was a year younger than me and studying in the lower class. He would sit next to me in the school van, and tried to stroke me on the back and sides and behaved as if nothing happened whenever I gave him a glare. He continued doing this for a couple of days, until I cried out angrily in front of everyone to stop it. He behaved as if he had no clue what I was talking about, but fortunately didn’t touch me again.

The other incident involved the man (we called him uncle) who drove the van. On the way back home, there was a time when all the other girls had already been dropped off, and I was the only girl remaining in the van with other school boys. I don’t remember how it all started,  but the van uncle was making lewd remarks about a girl’s private parts and all the school boys were enjoying it and laughing over it. Knowing that I was the only girl around, I could understand that it was aimed at harassing me, but I didn’t know how to react as even my school “friends” were joining in the abuse by laughing at it. Although, this was a case of only verbal abuse, it left a much deeper scar on my psyche than the former one or any other incidents of abuse because I couldn’t retaliate or talk to anyone about it at that age. Moreover, it was done by someone my family trusted my transportation to.
upload
It is very important for girls and women to retaliate and talk freely about such incidents, and to produce an environment where they feel free to do so. It is also necessary to educate school kids, both girls and boys, on how to react to such situations, when they themselves or a friend is being threatened.

*-Name changed on request

No Comments

Was: a victim
City: Beauty Parlor / Gurgaon
Was wearing jeans and shirt
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)
Incident was: One time

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 20-30

Experience:
well, This happened today at around 6 in the evening in a beauty parlor where there were at-least 7 to 8 parlor assistants and at-least a bunch of visitors.

Oh and how did this guy manage to grope me and touch my private parts , well in the name of giving me a hair spa and massage ! Highly tactical ! The first time his hands approached areas which it shouldn’t( parts surrounding my breasts, too close for comfort), I thought he had committed a mistake; it took me only a few more seconds to realize that it was intentional when his hands moved in the exact same way as it had earlier.
I stared back at him , he withdrew.

I waited patiently for an hour more to get my other parlor stuff done by other assistants. I didn’t want to create a scene by shouting at him in front of others. I was afraid that he may chase me back and rip me apart ! This is Gurgaon for god’s sake & I  have heard enough.

I then went to the owner who happened to be a sweet lady and complained to her stating that this guy might end up spoiling her reputation. She was disgusted & promised to dismiss him , I am planning to visit her again in a few days to check on the steps she had taken.

I am not angered, but the incident made me very sad. I had not had to face anything of this sort in the last 1 decade at-least and have had exactly 3 more incidents related to this in my life so far.

I fail to understand why would any guy want to do this. Not being afraid of anything or the consequences. I am unable to decipher !
It still remains a mystery to me , I knew from his guilty eyes that he knew what he was doing was wrong , close to committing a sin, but he still continued. It was definitely not lack of awareness, it was something else, of which I have no clue.

* – Name changed on requestimages

 

No Comments

black-mail-icon-256-x-256Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: Perpetual Abuse which happened at Coimbatore
Was wearing Jeans and Shirt
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Perpetrator was a Family member or Relative and aged around 20

Incident was : Recurring

Experience:
I so empathize with the other women who have shared their miseries out here! That’s because I have been through all that they have been through- the regular gropings, brushings and verbal assaults directed at my physical body!!! I have had my fair share of physical and mental torments but I am not going to elaborate on that; I am going to share with you an incident of my life which completely changed me for good.

When I was in college, I had a boy friend, a very charming one that too, or thats what I thought until I got to know him completely! He was what every girl would dream of her husband to be like! Sweet, Funny, Brainy, Having lots of friends, good at creativity etc. But then, little did I know that he would be good at verbal abuses and all the more good at manipulative stuff too!

Why did he abuse me verbally? Because to him I was always wrong! The way I dressed, the way I looked, the way I led my life, my dreams, my aspirations, my friends were all wrong! And if his friends think I was wrong because of something then again I am wrong because they thought so! And hence “I deserved to be taught a lesson”! And the lesson came in form of multitudes of verbal abuses! The words that were used would be something beyond your wildest imagination!

And why did I put up with all the shit you can ask! I bore it all because I fell for all his manipulative acts! I believed him when he said I was wrong/ I was terrible/ I act like a b**** and also believed him when he said I made him act the way he did!
One important question to ask now! What did he use for manipulation?
Suicide Threats!
I was gullible enough to believe that he loved me and that it was the magnitude of that love that made him not want to live without me and hence the suicide threats naturally followed! And he was the cynosure of all eyes and so I trusted that there was something wrong with me for making him mad!

You might ask did you not realize the emptiness in his threats after a point in time? Well Folks, just when I was about to, he went beyond just threatening! Popping some strange pill or the other, taking in some quantities of pest repellant-quantities not enough to kill him but more than enough to terrorize me- ensured that he exercised a strong control over me and my actions. Guess he was happy about that. But let me tell you friends those 9 months were the worst months of my life! Every night whenever we used to have an argument-over things which were of highly inconsequential and insignificant in nature; something like me wanting to dress up for the next day’s function in the college and he not wanting me to do so-which would result in him hanging up rudely, I used to stay awake wondering if he would be alive the next day or would he have done something that would make me regret for my lifetime. I would even go to the extent of wondering how much of shame I would be causing to my parents because of all the police intervention that would naturally follow a suicide. The torment I endured until the next day when I receive a message or call from him is inexplicable and its something that I wouldn’t want to endure again in my life.

Slowly his suicidal threats became more and more unpredictable and were starting to seem desperate with him wanting to commit suicide for every dime and reason, and his verbal abuses were also becoming more and more intolerable! That’s when I decided to throw caution to the winds and decided to break off from that relationship which by then had completely drained me off my energy!

But he had stood true to his words and killed himself but not without garnering enough attention! The days before his death he made himself look very sad with unshaven beard and tonsured head so that the world would believe his pathetic stories after he died. He sent e mails and letters to my family, his friends and my friends(Practically to everyone I ever knew!!!)the day before he actually died. His death added credibility to the lies in this letters. He made it look like I tortured him! He made people believe that I was responsible for everything. And naturally people believed him! I was made to assume the stature of outcast overnight!
It was then I realized that the world would rather believe the lies of the dead than the loud cries of the alive! How long would it have taken for me to end my life with another similar letter expressing the tortures I had to endure because of him both before and after his death? But trust me, I never wanted to! Because I knew that I would get nothing by proving anyone wrong! And even if had managed to prove them wrong, I knew my life is worth more than just that!
What did he achieve with the attention that he garnered after his death? Yes he did turn the world against me but then that was just temporary! The world did get tired of recounting his story over and over again and it did start to take notice of my achievements soon after and people did come lining up to me to get help as and when required. The world did look up to me when I made it to the IIM and the world respects me now for who I am, for the position I hold in the society!
Yes soon after his death I did get the feeling that life was unfair to me; I was made to suffer endlessly for no fault of mine; I

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was made an outcast for no reason! But then I soon realized there was no point wallowing in self pity. Trust me friends wallowing in self pity is like getting addicted to alcohol, only that its worse! I had a tough time getting out of that state. But I did! I looked around and realized that I have been gifted with much more blessings than many others and instead of looking at what I did not have, I started looking at what I have.

This self awareness helped me lead a better life and it had helped me mature to levels unimaginable! And now looking back I am glad that I was made to endure all the suffering because that had made me a strong person I am now! And I love myself all the more for being strong and yeah for being smart:-)!
And yeah none of this would have been possible without the help of my ever loving family and close friends! I understood what it means to be loved unconditionally and I am more than glad that I got to know something that is generally taken for granted!

 

*Name changed on request

5 Comments

Gender man

Was: a witness
City: Society/Gurgaon
Was wearing Long Skirt and top
Reaction: Reacted (yelling, complaining, slapping, fighting back)

Perpetrator was a Neighbour and aged 20-30

Incident was : One time

Experience:
This happened to a close friend of mine, in 2010 when she was around 21 years old. I am going to narrate this in first person, as she had told to me. I think it will have a better effect.

To take a break from stress, I had gone with two long-time close male friends whom I and my family trusted, to a regular pub. After some drinks I had become unexpectedly drowsy. We were about to leave, and were approached by a guy whom I just knew from my neighbourhood. He’d asked me out once but nothing had come off it and we weren’t friends or anything. This man claimed to be my friend from my society and offered to drop me home. I was too drowsy at the time to confirm or deny, and my friends, with a few drinks in themselves, thought it to be convenient and so loaded me into his car and let me go.
I was in a totally dazed state at the time and had only fleeting glimpses of where I was and what was going on. We entered my society, and he led me up the building. But after we entered the apartment it turned out it wasn’t my home; it was his. I was totally confused at the time and was asking where my home was. He didn’t even bother asking me or explaining his intentions to me. He lay me down, undressed me and himself, and only when he was just about to enter me, God knows what force took over me but I reacted and pushed him off with my legs violently. This convulsion finally forced me back to some degree of consciousness, and struck some fear in him. I figured out what was going on, screamed at him, pulled my stuff back together and ran out of there and got back home.

At home I broke down completely and after a long time was able to relay the events to my mother. But I just didn’t have the heart to tell anything to my father. After recovering a bit by the next day, I confronted the man who tried to rape me, and he pretended total innocence, claiming that I was in by consent, and asked me to forget the whole thing and move on!

When I told my friends (who were supposed to look after me) about the events, they first defended themselves without even bothering to understand what I’d just been through! I don’t even remember what I had said to them in my drowsiness, but according to them it was enough to completely trust a stranger with me! They shifted the blame to me, saying I should have told them properly. How the hell could I have, in the state I was in?? I had gone WITH them specifically so they could step in and PROTECT me in case I can’t protect myself. Oh, and the best defense all three of these men had for themselves: “It’s not my fault, I was drunk, not completely in my senses.”

It was a very long time, several weeks of crying and questioning before my friend was able to move on to some degree of normalcy. She didn’t have the ability to approach the police and risk all that exposure (especially a place like Gurgaon!). So that bastard got away and who knows, he might have repeated it again with other women also by now. Heck, she couldn’t even tell her dad or siblings. Her own childhood friends had abandoned her and then shrugged off all responsibility. Anything could have happened to her that night. It was sheer luck that it happened in her own housing colony that she was able to run back to her home on foot. Many others in her place have not been so lucky. For a long time after this she would keep asking me if there was something wrong with her, if really somehow she was to blame for what happened, and if not then why does the world act like it?

I was very disturbed on hearing this. I had just moved to another city and could do nothing except be a listener and consoler. We could not bring any attention to the matter – her father was NOT to know. The attacker is at best, another regular young male just like me. When with my buddies we regularly fantasized and joked about one-night stands, “if only I could get some chick drunk enough so I can bang her”. The same thoughts must have run through that guy and without caring about her consent, he jumped at the opportunity. But upon seeing this from my friend’s perspective, and listening and feeling how it feels to be on the receiving end, I was just shaken completely and left questioning my manhood, my ego, everything that made me proud of myself as a man. What if I or one of

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my friends ends up doing something like this?

I think the best way to prevent something like this from happening with others, is to share the story and shame other men for the attitude we have towards women. I’m doing this for her and for everyone who has or will be through such an experience, and for everyone who’s ever thought of doing something like this to a woman. I know I have. Thank you for creating a space for this.

*-Name changed on requestimages

2 Comments

whosays-picGender woman

Was: a victim
City: House/College/Office
Was wearing Long Skirt and top
Reaction: Moved away silently

Perpetrator was a Friend or acquaintance and aged 20-30

Incident was : multiple times

Experience:
I had 4-5 experiences which had made me feel uncomfortable.

First incident was when I was attending math tuitions in my 9th grade. The math teacher(who was atleast 65) was touching my neck and slowly trying to move his hands downward. I pushed away his hands. My mom happened to see this when she had come to pick me up. But I continued the math tuitions which I shouldn’t have. He did not repeat it after that, though. I still feel I should have slapped him tight.

Second incident: I was alone at home and the contractor who constructed our home came to see something. I was standing and reading something.He came and groped my back. I quickly ran away and called my parents. I stayed downstairs and outside the hose till he left. My grandmother came from my cousin’s house and questioned him. I believe he was embarassed.

Third incident: It was in my office. One of my friends came and talked to me when I was in the early morning shift. No one else were in the cubicles nearby. While talking he came and kept his hand on my thighs and tried to push it up. I moved away from that spot. Somehow I did not tell him then and there. I pinged him the official messenger and told him I am not comfortable with whatever he was doing. He made some excuse and said he was trying to teach me something and bla bla bla. Today I feel I should have complained to the hr. The same guy used to ping me in messenger and talk to me about bra and stuff. I called him a pervert and blocked him in messenger.

Fourth incident: I was climbing the college stairs and one of my classmates came and groped my hips. There was no one else near by. I moved away and messaged him that I am not comfortable with gents touching me in any way. He apologized by texting.

Fifth incident:There was some email wars going on and one of the guys called me something bad. I told him that it is his girlfriend. He got pissed off and wrote 20 emails with lot of abusive stuff like I will do anything for money, sleep with your brother and a lot other things which I can’t even write here. I asked him to fuck off. I should have forwarded it to the college dean. Alas! it is too late.

I did not react or escalate these sexual/verbal abuses in all these cases above. Today I regret and believe that I should have reacted in a much better way.

1 Comment

Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: Palakkad, Kerala
Was wearing Chudithar/Salwar Kameez with dupatta
Reaction: Moved away silently

Incident was : One time

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 20-30

 

Experience:
When I go home to Kerala on vacation, my entire appearance and style of dressing undergoes a complete

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overhaul. This is not at the instance of anyone in my family or otherwise, but merely a precautionary measure I’ve adopted myself, to avoid the stares, whistles and the leering smiles. Most men in the Malayalee hinterland, it would appear, are not used to women dressing comfortably and so, for their benefit, I discard my preferred form of clothing-a pair of jeans, a tee, a skirt or a dress for the more conservative, “approved” salwar kameez with the dupatta draped most properly around my modesty.
In this particular instance, a few years ago, I had been sent by mother to pick up milk from the neighborhood provision store. It was around 6 in the evening, and a short walk to the shop and back. On my way towards the shop, I noticed a man relieving himself on the road by the gate of an abandoned plot. This was a commonly used road, and right opposite the plot stands a convent school. I caught his eye, entirely by mistake, and he smiled at me. I avoided his gaze, of course, and walked away shaking my head at the complete lack of civic sense among people. On my way back, he was still there. This time, however, he was relieving himself by other means. He had his penis out, and he was tugging at it while was staring at me, his tongue lolling out like a hungry animal. I don’t know if he meant for me

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to see him, but I did, although I pretended not to have. It must have taken me a few seconds to pass by him, and minutes later I was safely ensconced in my home, but for years afterwards, every single time that I have walked on that road, I have remembered that pathetic man and wondered how he felt that it was perfectly within his right to jerk himself off on a public road while watching me. I am braver today, of course, and I can only hope he didn’t stoop low enough to try this on the children who go to school in the convent and often hang around near the plot.me

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