Hiding away no longer an option

 

Gender – Female. Was a survivor. Was wearing jeans and shirt. Reaction was helpless and passively endured. Incident was recurring.

Experience :

Perhaps memories fade with time, but the emotions we go through don’t. They leave an impression on our minds, vague for some, but there. Perhaps ignorance is bliss. Then again perhaps not. Ignorance or denial for the matter is not a magic wand. For a long time I chose to hide away behind them and this I say with absolute certainty, it doesn’t help. I am a victim of sexual abuse, one among the many out there. It started at an age where I didn’t even know what it was. A man, old enough to be my father, touched me in the guise of helping me dress up for a function. I felt odd and to a large extent disgusted. What should I do when he touches me, it doesn’t feel right? What should I do when he tells me not to talk about it with anyone? Should I go to my parents, siblings, friends? I was too young to know the answers.

I did what a scared, confused child would do when confronted with a fear . . . I ran away. And I thought i was safe. But I wasn’t. And the worse part? This time I was unsafe at home, among my family. A man I should have been able to bank on—a family member, betrayed my trust by violating my personal space. I resented him. I was horrified, alone, frightened, revolted . . . perhaps just slightly in shock. Why wouldn’t I be? If family isn’t my safe space, whom do I fall back upon? What is my safety net? This tie I knew it was wrong. I understood the why but not the questions which haunted me years ago, came back to haunt me. Again, I had no answer.

I never spoke about it. And perhaps it did not hold me back in life, perhaps it did not stop me from living the way I liked, but it was always there . . . like a skeleton in the closet I refused to acknowledge.

Message :

Time and time again, I’ve gone through violations. Violations of my space, my body and my mind. When I finally found the courage to talk about it and break my long kept silence, I felt light. Like a burden had lifted off my shoulders. Like the world knew and there was nothing to hide. I realised the power of speaking up when we are violated and the strength and confidence it gave me to never let that happen to me again. Thanks to I Break My Silence for giving me a platform to vent, to simply speak up and come to terms with it….To make sure that the other thousands of  who are keeping silent are given the courage to live free, I say let’s come together and break our silence.

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