Anashwara – Gender woman Was: a victim City: Al Nasr Leisurland

 
 

Gender woman

Was: a victim
City: Al Nasr Leisurland, Green Room, Dubai, United Arab Emirates
Was wearing Sari/Half Sari
Reaction: Helpless, Passively Endured

Incident was : One time

Perpetrator was a Stranger and aged 20-30

Experience:
This happened when I was in 3th or 4th grade, during an Onam dance program that was happening at Al Nasr Leisureland, Dubai. I was one among the participants of this dance drama and I was dressed like a small little Unniyaarcha ( Ancient Kerala Princess). I was with my friends, all ready and dressed up for my show to roll, and my mom went outside to sit among to crowd to tape my show. The green room of the hall did not have access to any strangers,It was a light dimmed room, with just 3-4 small rooms and only participants and their mothers were allowed there.

As I was playing with my other friends before the show, I was approached by this stranger,a tall dark man, in his 20-30’s, bald and a typical Mallu who kept smiling at me all the time, and offered to buy me a sandwich. As a kid, I hardly knew who he was, and thought he was one of my father’s friend, because he was being really nice, making sure my dress is right, my make up was on and also made sure I

ate well. Now I understand he only did this, to not be questioned by the other people to know what he was doing in the green room with me. When questioned, he told me he was my uncle and the others let him be. I was scared at that time, because I knew he was not my uncle, he kept holding my hands for a long time and they were not anymore gentle. He held them for a long time and his hands were going down to my chest, shoulders and he was pressing me hard near my waist. When the other kids left the room to play on the other side. He quickly took me to the men’s washroom. I was scared, didn’t know what to do. I tried to pull myself away, and thought screaming would cause trouble to me. I tried my best to push myself, I was crying from inside, because I knew something was going to go wrong and this is not good. His hold was too firm, that I also thought, I did try to do anything, he might just pull me away and that would ruin my costume, as I had a show in sometime.

The men’s wash room was bare, no one was around. I was sad, crying because there wasn’t a single soul I could call out to. He locked me in a bathroom, pulled up my costume, pulled down my panties then he pulled out his penis and started dry humping me from the backside. I did not know what he was doing to me. I knew what he was doing was wrong, and he kept rubbing my chest, and pleasuring himself. He asked me to kiss him I said NO. He must have dry humped me for around 10-15 mins, and he closed my mouth, so that I wouldn’t make any noise. I started crying and tears were rolling down my cheeks, ruining my eye make up. Then he turned me around and asked me to suck his dick, I said, NO, and I don’t want to and I want to see my mother. I cried so much, that he had to stop pleasuring himself and quickly undo what all happened. He asked me to stop crying, and quickly fixed my make up. I was crying so bad, because I knew this was wrong, and I know why this happened to me! My mother always said, do not smile at strangers and take anything from strangers. I learned my lesson. He did not let me go after he satisfied himself. He asked me for my home number, and me like a kid actually gave him my number. I hardly remember his name, but I did say my name is Anu ( That’s what everyone calls me at home).

As a child, I was so ashamed. I actually felt violated, abused and also those days I thought this was rape. With a brave face, when I saw my mom,I screamed and he let me go. My mom kept asking who is he, and why were you with him. I lied to her saying, I was lost and he was helping me find you. He fled the scene, the moment I saw my mother. My mother, not realized I have been violated, quickly sent me up the stage, and I did my performance in tears. I remember this day very well. I remember going home that day, and taking a shower and rubbing myself with soap and water, to undo the dirty, nasty thing he did to me. I remember sitting in the bathroom and crying softly. I didn’t know if this was the right thing to tell my parents about it. Nor my sister or my brother! No one! I did not sleep that night. I have always blamed myself for this for being this guilty and stupid.

Few days later he called me home, asking for me. My mom picked up the call and said the call is for me. I was in 3rd grade, my mom was puzzled who could possibly call my daughter. I was this kid, who used to run about and talk to all my father’s colleagues and friends. I was scared to talk to him, he spoke to me and he was asking ‘Do you remember that evening? Do you want it again?’ I quickly slammed the phone and told my mom don’t give me any calls from now on.

After that incident, I was very scared to walk alone. Even if I am going to the nearby grocery shop, or nearby friends place, I always feel I am being followed by someone. I feel this guy is around my area and he is waiting to kidnap me and do these awful things with me again. I was scared to go out with anyone for few years. I was scared to live in Dubai, the place where I was born and raised. Still today, I have nightmares about this horrendous man, I still wake up thinking about this incident and always wished this was just a bad dream.

No one has ever known this till now, until I reached college and confined to my close friend. He was shocked and he said he was a closet homosexual and he went through this and is helpless. Till now my parents don’t know about this. I just couldn’t bring myself to narrate the harrowing details, which I didn’t even have words for. If I said also, they wouldn’t have believed me.

Never really spoken about this till date and it just vanished into a distant memory, not until similar incidents happened later, but to this extent. Been groped at the jewelers, at the bus stops and also sometimes while just walking through a busy street. This started becoming a nightmare, and I was very cautious after that. I did not really have anyone to talk to about this, and I thought if I shared this with my friends, I would become the bad girl who was touched and who is ‘impure’. I wanted to go away from this place and that’s when I decided to pursue my graduation in Manipal. I moved out and I felt I was no where in reach of that wrenched man.

Opening up to my few close friends still haven’t exactly surpassed this incident in my head. I still feel I am being followed by this man, he will still call home. He will come and ruin my life and still get nightmares where he smiling at me and holding a sandwich.

I am sad and angry when I am writing this. Why was I made the victim that time? Why couldn’t I tell anything that happened to me to my family? Why did I close myself in the bathroom all the time when I wanted to just let out and cry. Why is this man still out there and doing the same things to other kids around? Why did he smile at me, why did I take that sandwich, why did he take me to that washroom and why did he violate me? Why did that gentle smile turn into a smile which will never make me safe anymore.

I don’t want to be scared anymore. I don’t want anyone to be a victim and feel this insecure. I want to break this silence and want to feel comfortable to talk about this to anyone.

Its been 17 years since this incident, but I am still scared inside.

unniarcha

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